Interactive Games Week! - Decide What I Should Keep In My Refrigerator
- Interactive Games Week continues, and I need your input now more than ever! I'm thinking of making Debbie clean out our refrigerator and I was wondering if the internet community can help. What should I throw out? Which items would you keep?!
I can't put Jemima out on the street. She's got nieces and nephews to take care of.
Snowball fight!
I'd throw out this enormous pan filled with cooking oil, but I heard you're not supposed to dump oil down the drain.
These condiments make any food taste yummy!
Expired documents.
Interactive Games Week!: Guess the Fluid That is In My Mouth
- It's that time of the year again! Spray it with me now! Interactive Games Week! Aiieeeeee!
- The fluid is thick.
- The fluid is yellowish-white.
- The fluid packs a lot of protein.
- The fluid is best when ingested in the steam room at the David Barton gym, after a long, hard delts & traps workout.
- The fluid is something you might spurt all over your partner's compliant chest during sexual intercourse.
- The fluid is burning my mouth.
- The fluid is something that is commonly used to make cars go.
- The fluid is seriously damaging the sensitive tissues of my hard palate.
- The fluid is making me high.
- The fluid is Oh god, oh god, why did i put this corrosive liquid into my oral cavity?! I'm weaving in and out of consciousness. Someone help me... please. Call for help. This was the worst idea of all time...*gurgle gurgle*
Guess... the Fluid... that is *gulp*...oh no!
The first game we're going to play is "Guess the Fluid That is In My Mouth!" It's easy. I'm going to squirt a fluid into my mouth and you all have to guess what it is. I'll give you clues to figure it out. The first person to get the right answer in the comments section wins! Here is an example.
The fluid is... BANANA NUTRAMENT!
See--that was simple. Any bi-curious bodybuilding toddler could have gotten that. Now this next one is for real. You'll never get it!! I'm going to put a fluid in my mouth, RIGHT NOW, in real time!
Ready??
Would You Rather...?
I just bought that awesome game "Would You Rather?" so when I have parties, they will be memorable. I was a little turned off by some of the questions though!
Would you rather...
Go to Barnes & Noble to buy a delightful book, like Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince?
or
Go to Barnes & Noble and get called a fag by teenagers because you’re pretending to read books in the Gay & Lesbian section, wearing nothing but spandex bike shorts and nipple clamps?
Would you rather...
Bake a scrumptious apple pie and set it on the window sill?
or
Unlatch the air conditioner from the window sill and let it fall 4 stories onto a litter of mewing newborn kittens?
Would you rather...
Snuggle up with a loved one in front of the glow of the fireplace?
or
Seal up an open fire hydrant that children are playing in and yell, “Listen up, Accutane babies! It’s just running water! You’re all shrieking and giggling. It’s not that innovative.” As the feral kids begin throwing stones at your head, you run away crying, “I wish I was never born!”?
Would you rather...
Learn how to crochet and knit?
or
Learn how to examine your crotch for nits?
Would you rather...
Read a blog that our nation adores, like Dooce?
or
Suggest that our nation spend less time reading Dooce and more time masking their pungent feminine odors with FDS spray?
Would you rather...
Grab a bowl of popcorn with the family and watch the quality television programming shown on T.G.I.F.?
or
Shatter a ceramic bowl of spring greens against a wall because your lover feels nothing for you anymore and watch as the tears slowly drizzle down your face in perfect syncopation with the raspberry vinaigrette dripping down the plaster?
10 Things You can say to the Counter Help at Duane Reade to Make Him or Her Rail You
1. "Do you know where the Magnum XL condom section is? My dick is enormous."
2. "I'm buying this home pregnancy kit for you! I want to give you a child. I'm totally serious."
3. While holding two canisters of protein powder, "Say--which way is the beach? Oh, I'll answer. It's THAT way." And then point, flex, and chuckle.
4. "These aren't my AIDS meds. I'm picking them up for a friend—er... a non-profit clinic I volunteer at! Yeah, that’s it. It's tough working there, but with God's strength, I persevere. Oh, you have AIDS too? Great! I mean... you should stop by the clinic."
5. "Gosh, I fucking hate everything about this fucking shithole. But, looking at your face makes my time here slightly less fucking shitty. Oh man, who am I kidding?"6. "Dang, What I wouldn't give to get under that shapeless blue smock and turn that bored zombified look on your face into a smile."
7. "I have a gun. Everyone just be cool and give me all the money in the register and sleep with me."
8. "Could I get a price check on these?" Grab their boobs.
9. "I'm going to be bored at home ALL ALONE now that my boyfriend who works the cash till at Walgreens dumped me."
10. "Thy tresses of hair that dangle from thee head, its length compares to this long line. More beautifying than the Cetaphil I'm holding, tis your feminine mystique. Yee, forsooth! My mind exalts, my spirit yearns to embolden thy vessel. Come with, let us flee into the night, away to yonder, from this inhumanity, where we shall subsist only on each others' breath, passion, and truth."
Yard Sale! - The Finale
- Sitting Indian style on the floor, I glared at Debbie from across the barren studio apartment and my eyes pierced her like a belly button. Ever since she was hospitalized and treated for mild brain damage, she hasn't been the same.
"I demand answers!" I shouted as I pounded my balled up fist on the rugless hardwood.
"You haven't asked a question yet," Debbie volleyed.
"Why did you sell all my stuff for a handful of change and then blow all that change on tampons?"
"Um... my menses?" Debbie responded. No remorse.
"Debbie, I--just... I just. I just don't understand you." I put my head in my palms, "There is so much in this world that I DO understand, like SAT questions, for example."
Debbie sighed. "Look Nate, I wanted to keep what I'm about to tell you a secret, but I guess I've gotta come clean."
"I don't care if you're a hardcore butch lesbian who spends her days thinking about labias and her nights dreaming of tight punanis. Beneath that burqa, you are still probably the same person I've always casually known and disliked, Debbie. "
"I'm not a lesbian."
"Oh."
"I cleared out all of your stuff," she continued.
"Go on," I beckoned.
"Because..." she lingered.
"Yes???" I swallowed.
"I..." she tiptoed.
"Tell me!!!!!!!" I yelled.
"I needed space for a litterbox."
It's My Blogday!
- It's my blogday!!!
That's right. One year of blogging. It seems like just yesterday...
--That I told you what it was like growing up with post-op parents.
--That we celebrated Ranch Dressing Heritage Week.
--That I threatened to publicly execute my roommate's cat, Oasis.
--When I put all those new-school SAT Winners in their places.
--That I began talking about the ill-fated yard sale I held.
Ah... mammaries.
To celebrate this amazing year in our lives, I will be on display this Friday--tomorrow--at Grassroots Tavern on St. Marks in the East Village sometime around 8PM. Come and say hello and buy me 17 drinks.
Everyone is invited EXCEPT for my roommate Debbie. She makes people feel horribly uncomfortable in public situations.
Birthday Party!
- In commemoration of the inception of winnerofthesat.blogspot.com, I'm throwing myself a birthday party this Friday, July 9th!! KEEP THE DATE. I haven't decided yet where to have it, but any suggestions are welcome.
Oh, and just so I'm not surprised by the quality of horrible gifts you're likely to buy me, I opened up a gift registry at my favorite store--WalMart. You can view it here! Please share my registry and upcoming party details with other bloggers who have cash.
Can you believe it's been a whole year since we've gotten to know each other?