Attention Human Resources! I Could Totally Be the White Guy in Your Next Multi-Ethnic Advertising Campaign
- Attention Human Resources!
Are you seeking a bold and dynamic white man for your next multi-ethnic advertising campaign? Your search is over, child.
My skin tone and average looks will blandly compliment the skin tones and average looks of people from all races: Native Indians, Orientals, Hasidics, Latinos, Lezzies--even Black People!
But you're probably thinking, "I wonder how this white guy will take next to a retard or some cripple?" I beg you to stick me next to a retard--gosh! that would be a dream come true!--and you'll see exactly what I'm capable of!
Advertising executives choose me to be their token white guy because I emote a commercial vibe that says to white people, "Now that's a white man I could probably trust--maybe. But not with my kids," and I appeal to non-whites in a way that screams, "Ooooohhhhhh!!! I HATE WHITE PEOPLE!!!! HOW CAN I DEFACE THIS?!?!?!" All races can connect and react to me.
Sir or madam, enclosed is my modeling portfolio. I implore you to peruse my high resolution photos and choose me for your next multi-ethnic advertising campaign. Blanket my nonthreatening averageness across this great city!
When you need to make the WHITE choice, make the RIGHT choice!
Very Truly Yours,
Back row, left
Far right, wearing wig. This ad was for sex toys.
I really do look good next to someone in a wheelchair.
Pictured extreme left; The C stands for Caucasian.
I didn't get placed in this one.
I'm also a hand model.
God Damn It! My $200 Faux Distressed Jeans Have Developed Actual Distress!
- I'm so furious! I'm filled with rage! GRRRR! I spent 200 dollars on a pair of distressed designer jeans--and look at what happens! See--right next to the fake rips are ACTUAL rips. I've only washed them a couple times and they're totally falling apart.
The aloof salesperson at Bloomie's assured me the denim I was purchasing came from the earth's most endangered strains of cotton. The holes were laboriously placed using technological breakthroughs pioneered by Guatemalans making 8 cents per hour. I spent so much money on them! Gosh, the actual tears in my pants make it look like I've been wearing shitty jeans I'd wear to a motorcycle parade, not awesome distressed designer jeans I'd wear to go clubbing.
An example of distress I paid for:
An example of distress I did not pay for:
The HOTTEST Hurricane Names Have Stormed This Way!
- Thank you for all your letters and emails wondering where I've been. I was in New Orleans on vacation, when all of a sudden, an enormous hurricane came and washed me out to sea! Just kidding! ROFL LMAO! I've been here the whole time. But, I have been doing extensive research to find out this season's HOTTEST hurricane names and I published them over at HOTTEST BABY NAMES. If you don't know what to name your next hurricane, this is the ONLY guide you'll ever need!
HOTTEST Hurricane Names for September of '05