The Known World: A Slavery Thrillride!
- Get the fuck outta the way Mrs. Beecher-Stowe! I've been reading The Known World, and I can enthusiastically say, it is THE MOST THRILLING SLAVERY NOVEL EVER WRITTEN.
If you love slavery novels like I do, The Known World is a surefire hit. If this doesn't ramrod right to #1 on your personal Top 10 Slavery Faves of All Time, then your slavery palate is clearly underdeveloped. Maybe you need to enroll in Slavery 101.
If you lapped up the urbane comic genius of Letters of the Late Ignatius Sancho, an African and you devoured the explosive who-done-it mystery, Second Daughter, Story of a Slave Girl, then I just know this Pulitzer Prize winning slavery blockbuster, The Known World, will grip you by the balls and never let go!
I'm only 40 pages or so into it, but already, I can just tell. This exhilarating portrait of antebellum 1850's slavery is going to leave me completely sated. My love for slavery fiction is almost as limitless as my need for water or oxygen.
Run to your nearest slavery-themed bookseller for this chart topping page-turner!
Top Excercises to Do At your Next Strollercize Class
Everyone in New York is saying that Strollercizing is the new Tae-Bo! Anyone can do it. All you need is a baby and a high-end stroller and the will and determination to turn all that fat on your body into lean, hard muscle mass. Try out these new strollercizes to spice up your routine.
Baby Calf Raises – Gently step on your baby using just the tips of your toes. Slowly raise—stretch those calves girl! And repeat.
Stroller Windsprint – Pick two points about 50 yards apart, like a tree and a nearby edge of a cliff. Strap your infant in tightly so he doesn’t get hurt. Then, challenge a fellow strollercizer to race to the edge of the cliff. The first one to go hurtling over wins!
Baby Jumping Jacks – Take two babies, attaching one to each hand with heavy duty twine so the baby stays in one place. Begin jumping and overhand clapping like you’re at a Bon Jovi concert. Do 3 sets of 10. Feel the burn.
Stroller Hurls – Imagine you’re an Olympic discus thrower. Clutch the baby-occupied stroller, spin for added power and acceleration, use that powerful stretch-marked torso and release!
Diaper Cardio Kickboxing – Affix your baby’s soiled diapers to your fists. Grab a partner. Take turns punching each other in the face. Push it to the max!
Remember to wipe down your baby using clean towels after your workout!
What exercises do you do at your Strollercize class?
An Incident with the Poseurs of Park Slope - Part 1
- I've recently become friends with Brady, the 10 year old hipster who lives on the first floor of my building. We like having intellectual debates over whether or not Clap Your Hands Say Yeah is over already and whether everything I touch turns to shit (which he reminds me ALL THE TIME). He's such a kidder!
Anyways, we are people watching and eating Dippin' Dots--the ice cream of the future--on the stoop of our brownstone when he announces, "Poseur alert!"
"Where?" I shout, craning my neck.
"Over THERE--look at those fucken poseurs," and Brady directs my attention to a gang of suburban white dudes in skull caps across the street. One is drinking 7-Up. One is beckoning another, "Dawg, you gotta listen to my new ringtone—it’s a Top 40 hit on the Billboard Charts right now!" All are decked out in gear from the sales racks of a Midwestern store called Value City.
"THOSE aren't poseurs," I say to my little friend, dismissing his claims. "No no no. These guys over HERE are poseurs!" I point to a nearby syndicate of 35 year old skaters taking turns grinding off the bumper of an abandoned Ford Bronco. They each have asymmetrical hair bangs covering one of their eyes and all are dressed in Pretty Boy Floyd jean jackets. Before each grind attempt, their video camera operator gleefully goes, "Skate or die, dude! Skate or dieeeeee!" Then they try to ollie onto the Bronco and fall down.
"Hey you dirtbag gaywad poseurs!" Brady hollers. All the poseurs stop what they are doing and glare at us. I try to cover Brady's mouth with his cup of Dippin' Dots. What is he thinking? He's going to get us killed!
"How does it feel to be fuckin poseurs?" he continues, in between gulps of the Dots.
The poseurs from the '80s and the urban subversion poseurs filter into a poser posse and begin pressing towards us!
To be continued!
An Open Challenge to Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell
Hey "Up"-Chuck Liddell! hahaHAha. I'm challenging YOU! Spike TV has been showing your Ultimate Fighting matches and I've been learning your every move, studying your every sweaty and glistening weakness. I'm totally challenging you publicly right now.
We're not going to play by your rules, Chuck Liddell. You're about to enter my house--THE BLOGTAGON! Prepare to die!!1
Here's how it works:
--First, we sit at keyboards.
--Then, we start publishing splenetic and acrimonious things with those keyboards about current trends like, "Hamsters--they're so lame!" or "Arab people are the new black people!"
--Next, we compulsively refresh our sitemeter stats over and over, peering like bog wraiths into our LCD monitors, straining our eyeballs until our sight is gone forever.
--Then, we click on links that other bloggers give us. We do that until our wrists are ravaged with carpal tunnel and our fingers are paralyzed with rheumatism.
--Finally, we respond emptily to some reader' emails and go to sleep.
--We shall do it again every day until one of us drops dead.
I have been training for over a year. Will you accept, Chuck Liddell??
What do you think, CEOs?: Old Navy Launches New Skin Care Line
- It was reported that Old Navy is coming out with a line of personal skin care products. Other blogs would go to pedestrian walkways to interview laymen for the buzz on a topic this hot. However, I go straight to The Street and into the chambers of the nation’s most powerful CEOs.
Tom Shiluley, CEO of Kleenex Inc. states:
Before becoming the CEO of Kleenex, I was a VP at Yugo automobiles. Our motto there was, “Let’s polish this turd!” It seems our optimism has spread to other corporations!
Denise Carter, CEO of Bounty Paper Towel Rolls LTD says:
This is fantastic news. When I’m on a 1st date with a man at his apartment and I'm unzipping his pants, the last thing I want is to suddenly find out I’m effing someone who wears Old Navy underwear. Now, after he’s done fingering me, but before I’ve rocked his penis, I can excuse myself to use the bathroom and root through his medicine cabinet for Old Navy skin care products. This way, I know up front if I should be bullish or bearish.
Elliot Anderson, CEO of the Brawn Napkin Co. added:
My daughter begged me, "Please Daddy, please! Take me to Old Navy." I knew what I had to do. I implicated her in an interglobal accounting fraud scandal and now she's serving the next 8 years in juvie. That should straighten her out.
Marty Fabrizio, CEO of Sam's Choice Bath Tissue LLC underscores:
I used to think the two most embarrassing things in the world are being seen flying coach on The Concorde and being spotted carrying a shopping bag from Old Navy. The Concorde hasn't flown since October of 2003, which makes by default, YOU GUESSED IT, carrying a shopping bag from Old Navy the most embarrassing thing in the world.