10 Things You can say to the Counter Help at Duane Reade to Make Him or Her Rail You
1. "Do you know where the Magnum XL condom section is? My dick is enormous."
2. "I'm buying this home pregnancy kit for you! I want to give you a child. I'm totally serious."
3. While holding two canisters of protein powder, "Say--which way is the beach? Oh, I'll answer. It's THAT way." And then point, flex, and chuckle.
4. "These aren't my AIDS meds. I'm picking them up for a friend—er... a non-profit clinic I volunteer at! Yeah, that’s it. It's tough working there, but with God's strength, I persevere. Oh, you have AIDS too? Great! I mean... you should stop by the clinic."
5. "Gosh, I fucking hate everything about this fucking shithole. But, looking at your face makes my time here slightly less fucking shitty. Oh man, who am I kidding?"
6. "Dang, What I wouldn't give to get under that shapeless blue smock and turn that bored zombified look on your face into a smile."
7. "I have a gun. Everyone just be cool and give me all the money in the register and sleep with me."
8. "Could I get a price check on these?" Grab their boobs.
9. "I'm going to be bored at home ALL ALONE now that my boyfriend who works the cash till at Walgreens dumped me."
10. "Thy tresses of hair that dangle from thee head, its length compares to this long line. More beautifying than the Cetaphil I'm holding, tis your feminine mystique. Yee, forsooth! My mind exalts, my spirit yearns to embolden thy vessel. Come with, let us flee into the night, away to yonder, from this inhumanity, where we shall subsist only on each others' breath, passion, and truth."