Yard Sale! - Part 3
- Seven rowdy bystanders, three street kids, and a mole person--who climbed out from the soiled pits of the subway system--helped chase after the retard who stole my priceless tuxedo from my yard sale.
But it was no use. The more we trotted and shoved aside slow moving pedestrians, the more our breath became heavy and our legs turned to jello. The mongoloid escaped.
I stopped abruptly and held up a defeated hand to signal our quest to capture the thief would no longer continue. I made a stoic speech thanking each of the angry mob members personally for their contributions and we all parted ways. I had a yard sale to get back to!
As I walk up 5th Avenue towards my brownstone, I begin to see a steady stream of people carrying my stuff. Couples looked so happy clutching my personal items, swinging them saying things like, "I can't believe they paid us to take this!" That's odd. My roommate Debbie has been running the yard sale in my absence... Debbie!
"Debbie!" I yelped after dashing the rest of the way home, "Where's all my shit?!" The yard sale was picked over like a lesbian bar at closing time.
"I sold it."
"How much money did we make?"
"Mmmm... I dunno. 12 or 13..."
"Phew. 12 or 13 thousand dollars! Praise the lord," I sighed.
"No, I meant 12 or 13 nickels. Yeah, 65 cents." Debbie showed me the handful of change. I slapped the change out of her hand.
"You idiot! Everything is gone! How much did you sell my original early Jean-Michel Basquiat for?!"
"Oh, that? I sold that and your 2005 Series Pringles collection for 3 bucks," Debbie responded.
"It took me months too eat all those Pringles! How much did you get for Romance of the Three Kingdoms VIII for the PS2 and Sorority Boys on DVD?"
"It wasn't very much--a few Canadian pennies."
"Oh Debbie! How could you." I began bawling. "Whore."
"Cheer up, I sold your shredded documents for 5 bucks! Someone was very interested in those." Debbie rubbed my shoulder gingerly.
"Hmph. Then how is it you only have a handful of change?!"
"Because I had to go buy tampons," Debbie answered sheepishly.
"God damnit! You wear a burqa, Debbie!"
This was quite possibly the worst yard sale ever. Things couldn't possibly get any crappier...
To be continued