Run for Your Lives!
I knew immediately after reading that Snapple was attempting to set the record for the world's largest popsicle, that I simply must bare witness when they hoisted the 17 ton ice phallus in the center of Union Square. After work yesterday, I sauntered leisurely over to the scene where a swarm of Union Squarians had circled ravenously around the popsicle to partake in the viewing. It was such a hot and beautiful Summer day, what could possibly go wrong?
A crane baring the Snapple logo, began moving towards the 25' thing resting on a truck. Something was not right. The confection was unstable. The crane operator started shouting. Production assistants on headsets were panicking. The popsicle glistened ominously. And then, the UNTHINKABLE happened.
The popsicle was melting!
"GaAAAAAHHHHhhhhhh!!!" I screamed. "Run! Everybody run!!!" Children were shrieking, parents were crying. I started pushing people to higher ground. "Get out of here!" The icee gushed and the first wave of Snapple swathed violently over bystanders. The frozen treat was melting faster than anyone expected and a HUGE 2nd wave crashed, knocking the elderly to the street. In my periphery, I saw a helpless infant get picked up in the swirling, murderous Kiwi-Strawberry goo-current.
"Somebody help that helpless infant!" a homeless skateboarder beckoned.
"My baby! My helpless baby!!" the mother of the child rallied.
"There's no time!!!" I recoiled.
And then the baby was swept down a storm drain.
As I write this, I shudder to think how many other families had their lives ruined by Snapple on this black day in history. God help us all.
I Much Prefer Times Square to Union Square
To visit the Pringles Flagship store!
To see Mariah Carey!
To go to Red Lobster!
To get hit by a bus!