Why are you exiting this Uptown Q train headed to Times Square?!
People! Stop! Don’t you know Mariah Carey is performing there?
For the past 8 hours, Mariah Carey has been manually erecting dozens of roadblocks in the middle of the street to shut down traffic, and then she built a stage, programmed her lighting board sequencer, and connected a soundsystem with her bare hands just so she could selflessly sing for all of you today on Good Morning America. And you’re just gonna walk off this Q train and go to work?! Don’t you care??
Take those headphones out of your ears and listen to me, commuters! Put that AM New York down, prostitute! Wake up, homeless! Mariah Carey’s new compact disc, The Emancipation of Mimi, drops today and she’s about to take the stage in Times Square any moment now!
You’ve never heard of Mariah Carey? Are you crazy? Haven’t you seen Glitter? That’s how I first learned about her. I’ve never actually listened to any of her songs, but I’m told they’re really really something. My gosh, the last time Times Square had a traffic halting concert event like this was when New Jersey’s own Bon Jovi rocked the Big Apple in 2002 to commence the football season by singing Slippery When Wet in its entirety.
Where are all you people going?! That’s not the way to Times Square. Why are you getting out at 14th St. Union Square? Get back on the subway, you’re going to miss the show!