Trendspotting in Manhattan: European Edition
- Have another Jameson, expectant mothers! I just received a hot tip from "Alison M." saying that all over Europe, these:
Are the new these:
In order for teenagers to get excited about their future Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies, schools are distributing chic and slender baby dolls programmed to party non-stop.
It’s great and all, Europe, to hop on new trends. But what are we supposed to do here with all our old fads?
Other Trends Spotted
Morning Glory Seeds
Knotting Your Scarf
It's that time of the month again!
- Ladies--listen up! This post contains tips on how to welcome Aunt Flo into your living room and how to prepare for game day against the Crimson Tide. Psych! Just kidding--it's actually the April update of Hottest Baby Names! Don't name your baby without learning what the most popular new names are.
Hottest Baby Names!
Feel the bloat!
A Slice of Life: What did you do with the metadata?!
- At an emergency office supplies meeting at the Burning Bridges Greeting Card Company. It's just Bobo Bridges (the CEO), Montana (Bobo's slutty secretary), and me, the 2nd Assistant to the Vice President of Consumer Affairs' Assistant. The 1st Assistant – the evil Sebastian Tolliver — was fired recently. The title has remained vacant. Montana and I are seated at opposite extremes of a 15 foot oak conference table. Bobo sits in the middle.
Bobo Bridges: How is your bosom today, Montana?
Montana: Just fine. Thanks.
Bobo: Mmmmm yes. Nate, we are having this meeting with you to discuss a fatal flaw in our binder clip supply chain. Yesterday, our binder clip reserve dipped to dangerously low levels. If it weren't for a Staples delivery truck that errantly crashed into our building this morning and the frenzied looting that ensued, we might be facing one of our worst crises yet.
Me: Sir, I can explain. The data I have shows that during this time in April, our offices go through approximately 300,000 binder clips per diem. No one could predict we'd use a million today. Look at these spreadsheets.
Bobo: These are interesting documents.
Me: The data speaks for itself.
Bobo: Yes, the data seems accurate.
Montana: He clearly didn’t take into account the metadata.
Me: The what?
Bobo: You forgot to include the metadata?
Me: Um... I dunno. The Excel Chart Wizard never said anything about metadata.
Bobo: Ooooh! This really butters my biscuits! I would expect near-sightedness out of Sebastian Tolliver, but not you Nate! Do you have any idea what would happen to this company if we ran out of binder clips??
Me: Not especially. What is everyone clipping all the time? We sell greeting cards, don’t we?
Bobo: Enough! Go back to your desk and prepare new documents—this time build your graphs using all of the available metadata.
Me: Where do I find this metadata?
Montana: You'll see it's just beyond the other data.
From the Webmaster: Further reading on the wotSAT’s work life:
The Interview Process
If you think a finger in a cup of Wendy's Chili is bad...
- I once found...
An entire human foot in my Never Ending Bowl of Pasta at The Olive Garden!
I once found...
A fried, mutated beakless glob of cells in a bucket of KFC Extra Tasty Chicken!
I once found...
Documents proving that the existence of a shred of moral fiber within the Republican Party is nonexistent!
I once found...
A video of a fat version of myself bicycling into a pool of mud that would surely win America's Funniest Home Videos!
I once found...
A secret passageway in my old house behind a grandfather clock that led to the ashes of thousands of copies of E.T. for the Atari 2600!
I once found...
Michael Jackson in bed with a 10 year old girl!
I once found...
Another man’s penis in my ex-girlfriend's mouth!
Tips to Make Earth Day Everyday
-Instead of breaking a 40 on a curb and cutting one bitch, use that same 40 to cut two bitches.
-Also, when pouring a 40 on the street in remembrance of a dead homey, dedicate that 40 to all your other friends who you think are going to die in a very tragic way.
-Refrain from defecating in public waterways.
-Don't dump used cooking oil down the sink. Ingest it.
-If you work in a restaurant and your manager asks you to "marry the ketchups," remember to remove and reuse all of the cutlery you find in the bottles.
-Recycle your used SUVs instead of driving them once and throwing them away.
-There are 6 billion people alive on Earth. That means we're going to have to put 6 billion caskets into the ground some day. When it's your time to pass, request in your will that your lifeless body be callously dumped into a mass Sudanese grave or jettisoned into space.
-Don't change your car's oil every 3000 miles. Wait until something crazy happens.
-Try to eat fruits and vegetables that say "Now with 20 percent less pesticide!" on the stickers.
-Fart only when absolutely necessary.
-Switch from drinking 9 cans of Mountain Dew every day to just one 3-Liter.
-Conserve labor overhead by enslaving humans from the Far East to sew all of your clothes.
-When transporting toxic chemicals along the interstates in a semi, take time to learn how to drive first.
-Bake a cake to show appreciation for your garbage man and set it out by the curb.
-When you say to a dude, "Hey, Instead of driving separate cars, let’s take the bus," and the dude quotes Homer Simpson and goes, "No way! The bus is for jerks and lesbians," rip off your latex mask that reveals that you are actually Rosie O'Donnell, punch him in the face, and then get on that bus!
What do you do to make Earth Day everyday?
Yesterday, I was Culturally Relevant: Flight of the Conchords @ CBGB Gallery
It happens once every couple months—I accidentally become culturally relevant! New Zealand's fourth greatest folk singing comedy duo, Flight of the Conchords, figuratively soared into CBGB and fed our gaping squawkboxes with delicious worms and grubs. Take Tenacious D, subtract Jack Black and that other dude, add two deadpan guys with hip accents, multiply the funny by 3 or so, and then forget this whole banal equation. Flight of the Conchords bounce lyrics back and forth like a dialogue while fingerpicking complex riffs, harmonizing, and beatboxing, complemented by brainplexing intersong banter.
The house was packed like a force fed goose gullet. People on a side balcony. People on a stairwell leading to the balcony. People sitting on the floor. So many people, the cocktail waitress was tossing us beers like a peanut vendor in a ballpark.
Here is the Set List:
--Nice to Meet You, Jenny - A song about a confused dude who runs into an even more confused chick he thought he made love to and adopted children with.
--What’s Wrong With the World – An Al Green deadringer, "We wanted to write a song about what’s important to us—the issues."
--It's Business Time
--Banter about how The Monkees started AIDS.
--Hip-Hopopotomus vs. The Ryhme-ocerous
--Albee the Racist Dragon
--The Future – The Conchords travel to the humanless future to perform for robots.
Best Lines: The Binary Solo - "00000001! 0111111110!" "In the future, we don't say Yes. We only say Affirmative."
--Boom Boom – A Shaggy-esque beatbox and Casio DG-20 flurry.
Best Line: "She's so hot she's makin' me sexist." BOOM BOOM in the BOOM!
After shaking their Boom Booms, they say good night and awkwardly wander about the tiny stage waiting for the moment to come back for an encore.
--Lord of the Rings Soundtrack Song Dismissed by Director Peter Jackson
Best Line: "Hey Frodo! Hey What? Watch out for that thing! Oh nooo!"
--David Bowie Tribute – Back in the time machine, the guys go to the past to hand David Bowie an Eazy-to-Play Guitar Tab book of all his songs and take him through his oeuvre.
Culturally relevant! See Aziz Is Bored for more info on how to go to the free HBO tapings in NYC this week. If Flight of the Conchords comes to your town, go and claim your relevance too.
Good one, asshat!
- An asshat is someone, generally a white male dressed in pleated khakis, who blurts out the most non-witty comments to impress crowds of strangers when something barely notable happens around the group.
Yesterday, I was on a packed rush hour subway looking at documents. A drunken and bruised panhandler with skinny trackmarked twig arms comes onto the car, pushing through the sardine crowd lamely pleading, "Please, please, for the love of God, would someone fucking give me 65 cents. 65 cents, that’s all I need. Come on! Someone. Please. Pleeeeeease. 65 cents."
Someone finally hands him 65 cents. The vagrant counts the change and then says, "Ugh… I just need uh… 45 cents now. 45 cents, is all I need. Someone. Pleeeeeease. 45 cents."
This derelict is one of the lingering kind, who gets in everyone's face while wrecklessly bumping into other people. He is definitely wasted.
The subway comes to a stop. The dude shoves his way out of the car to hop aboard the next one.
When the coast clears, the asshats speak…
Asshat 1: 45 cents, that's ALL that guy needs! Sheesh! (chuckles from other asshats)
Asshat 2: He probably just needed 45 cents to pay off his final mortgage payment!
Asshat 3: No no. It was to finish fixing up his private jet!! (high fives the mortgage payment guy)
Asshat 4: Maybe he's a venture capitalist investing in a liquor company that’s working on 300 proof alcohol!!! (periphery erupts in laughter)
Me: Good one, asshats!!!! (sneers all around)
Yard Sale! - Part 1
- Now that my roommate Debbie has resettled my no-alcove starter studio, space has become a valuable commodity. Every day we languidly take turns sitting in the single lawnchair in the living room while the other sets their elbows on the armrests. If things got any more cramped, I'd have to sleep with my Polish sausage literally in her sweet peppers & onions.
So we decided to have a yard sale on a sunny Saturday afternoon!
We gathered all of our possessions and dumped them on the front steps of our brownstone. The junk littered the sidewalk and spewed into the street, effectively halting all pedestrians and vehicle traffic coming into the building/down the road.
As I prepared my voice for a day of obsequious salesmanship, I positioned Debbie behind a series of nearby trash cans so people wouldn't see her and think our yard sale funds terrorism. (She wears a burqa)
For the first hour we were open, people clumsily ambled through/sped with their cars over our things as they went to wherever they were going.
A retarded man in elastic sweatpants approached the shopzone, "How much for dat stupid looking tuxedo?"
That's right! It was worn by the legendary Billionaires for Bush activist, Gary Poupon Jr., heir to the Grey Poupon fortune... He's dead now," I added.
"Yeah yeah, I don't care. How much?" the surly mongoloid snapped.
"I'll give you 50 cents," he volleyed back angrily.
"Hmmm... That seems kind of low. Surely, you realize the value of couture this haute."
"I have a better idea," said the man. "I'm just going to take it." The retard snatched the tux and took off sprinting down the street.
"WTF! Watch the merch, Debbie!!" and I flailed after him.
To be continued!
I’ve recovered the Transcript of the Preliminary Injunction Hearing Between Bratz Doll Nevra and Barbie re: Bratz' Recently Filed Lawsuit
Bratz Doll Nevra
The TranscriptNevra: Yo’ Judge, Barbie is straight trippin’ boo.
Barbie: Well, I never! I am insulted.
Nevra: How’s a nizzle supposed to get a dizzle with Barbie all up in my shizzle? I’m just a girl who wants to krump. Barbie and her thugs are holding me down.
Barbie: Look Nevra, I don’t know what krumping is. I drive expensive cars, I sleep with powerful men, and I eat Haute Cuisine crackers. I have no interest in your piddly market share. I think it’s safe to say, there are no grounds for this lawsuit, and that it should be dismissed. If you’ll pardon me, I have a yacht club meeting to attend…
Nevra: Excuse me, Miss Thang! I’d like to submit this exzibit dat proves dat B is stifling me, tryin’ to steal my rocks.
The Honorable Judge Skeletor: This is damning evidence Barbie. I believe a fraud has been committed upon my courtroom.
Barbie: (says inwardly) The paparazzi! *clenches plastic fist*
The other people in the courtroom: (scattered “Oohs!” that build into a chant) Served! Served! Served! Served!
About the New SAT
If I told you my cock was 10 inches and then namby-pamby good-for-nothing Austin Weiss (pictured) told you his was 25.4 centimeters, who are you most likely going to boink? I'll answer that. Me! Why? Because we don’t care much for the metric system ‘round these parts. You hear that, Weiss?!
I’ve lashed out at SAT winners in the past, but recent events in the bastardizing of the SAT call for lots of jealous moaning and childish foot-stomping on my part. As you may have heard, scoring a 1600 on the new SAT means that you’re a brainless fatty nitwit—one bong rip away from a career making change at the laundromat. A 2400 on the new test means that you win. Austin is one of the new winners.
*claps twice really bitterly*
Prize winning intellectuals are on my side. Last week, Conan O'Brien railed on Late Night against the College Board for making his SAT Analogy segments obsolete. Granted, he also slandered the Gregorian calendar when it decreed his In the Year 2000 segments post-ironic, but facts are facts. The new SAT is totally lame!!
Oh look! Austin Weiss split 4th place with 2 other Region 9 students in the 2001-2002 California Math League. Control F to see the truth.
I’m not some fading sports hero put to the pasture like Michael Jordan or Tonya Harding--I'm not! Listen to meeee! I’m still The Game. A certain Bret Hart slogan comes to mind whenever I catch a glimpse of my reflection, "I'm the best there is. Best there was. Best there ever will be."
So, basically, when I say on my sidebar that I scored a 1600 try not to think of me as a brainless fatty nitwit. I'm still a winner. And Austin, you can keep your metaphoric metric penis measurements. We know who's packing the most heat.
Why are you exiting this Uptown Q train headed to Times Square?!
People! Stop! Don’t you know Mariah Carey is performing there?
For the past 8 hours, Mariah Carey has been manually erecting dozens of roadblocks in the middle of the street to shut down traffic, and then she built a stage, programmed her lighting board sequencer, and connected a soundsystem with her bare hands just so she could selflessly sing for all of you today on Good Morning America. And you’re just gonna walk off this Q train and go to work?! Don’t you care??
Take those headphones out of your ears and listen to me, commuters! Put that AM New York down, prostitute! Wake up, homeless! Mariah Carey’s new compact disc, The Emancipation of Mimi, drops today and she’s about to take the stage in Times Square any moment now!
You’ve never heard of Mariah Carey? Are you crazy? Haven’t you seen Glitter? That’s how I first learned about her. I’ve never actually listened to any of her songs, but I’m told they’re really really something. My gosh, the last time Times Square had a traffic halting concert event like this was when New Jersey’s own Bon Jovi rocked the Big Apple in 2002 to commence the football season by singing Slippery When Wet in its entirety.
Where are all you people going?! That’s not the way to Times Square. Why are you getting out at 14th St. Union Square? Get back on the subway, you’re going to miss the show!
This Air is so Alive
- I might be rollerblading into Alliance of Power turf with this bit, but I just found my new favorite blog!! It's by Haslinda Lim You Ru aka Lin who will be referred hereafter as "this poor innocent girl."
Would somebody please find it in his or her black heart to wire this poor innocent girl 19 dollars for the B.U.M. equipment skirt on her wishlist?
I have to admit, I'm kinda taking to the jukebox on this poor innocent girl's site.
Look at me! I’m a link dumpster!
This is not dead air.
wotSAT Answers a Rhetorical Question asked by the Doritos Tortilla Chip Company
- First they cook this product:
Then when they're finished making them, they ask on the back of the bag:
What's wrong with you Doritos Tortilla Chip company? Are you stupid?? Right next to the question is a description YOU wrote telling us what "it" is:
It's Whole corn, Vegetable oil, (Contains one or more of the following: Corn, Soybean and/or Sunflower oil), maltodextrin, earthobate, salt, whey, cheddar cheese (Cultured Milk, salt enzymes), partially transgendered soybean oil, cream, Monosodium glutamate, mechanically separated American cheese (Cultured Milk, salt, enzymes), onion powder, tender vittles, tomato powder, spices (including black pepper), Corn syrup solids, sodium diacetate, swiss cheese, colby cheese, monterey jack cheese, sour cream (cultured cream, nonfat milk), natural and artificial flavors, equine hearts, citric acid, artificial colors, yellow 6, yellow 5, yellow 6 Lake, Red 40, Blue 1 Lake, yellow 5 lake, Blue 1, Garlic powder, Salicylic acid, butter, sodium caseinate, and Jalapeno pepper!!
Gah! You're so stupid!
- Sploid, short for Super Duper Hemorrhoid, is a new site launched by Gawker Media.
Anyone familiar with internet publishing knows that the thirst for hits is insatiable. One could get a million hits a month and not be satisfied. Is Gawker merely focused on engorging its girthy shaft with more blood? Nah. I think they are working towards something slightly deeper, along the lines of, durrr I don’t know, TAKING OVER THE INTERNET AND ENSLAVING ALL OF HUMANITY BY FITTING US WITH METAL SKULL CAPS JUST LIKE THE TRIPODS DID IN JOHN CHRISTOPHER’S JUVENILE SCI-FI THRILLER THE WHITE MOUNTAINS!
I can't prove it. But, Gawker smartly realizes that the only thing that stands between them and taking control of the news cycle is The Drudge Report. If they can wrangle that away, which shouldn’t be too much of a problem based on the popularity of their sites, Gawker will be poised to become one of the most powerful media companies ever despite never using any other broadcasting outlet besides the internet.
Brooklyn Vegan links today to an article that discusses how Pitchfork--a site run by nerds about gaywads--can move considerably more albums for a gaywad than a cover spread on Spin and Rolling Stone. Clearly, there's some serious muscle to be made and flexed on the internet, and Gawker intends to sculpt their muscles to the max using metaphorical designer steroids and lots of metaphorical bodybuilding.
How can NBC Universal, Time Warner, and Disney be so short sighted as to not see what Gawker is up to? They'll have billions of dollars but they'll be taking orders from a company that has recently instituted paper currency as a form of payment for their writers.
I see what's coming. Gawker will own us eventually. I'm cool with it though, I like their editorial voice. I've just discovered I'm an anarcho-capitalist and that Sploid appeals to me on every level.
To Do List for the Week of 4/6 - 4/13
- -Request removal of layers 1, 3, 4, and 6 from 7-layer Burrito
-Pull expired pud from inventory
-Assimilate new urban catch phrase, 'Playa Denigratin'
-Boycott Canada's baby seal hunt by shopping less at Wet Seal
-Restore self-imposed ban on importing/trading seal pelts.
-Maximize use of time
-Finish 4x100 meter relay
-Minimize rate of failure
-Educate the poor, just like Pope John Paul II's teachings
-Eat the rich, just like Aerosmith's teachings
-Cash in on facial hair craze.
-Rally for spare change.
-Redeem coupon for 1 Free Barium Sulfate colonic included in employment benefits package.
-Continue playing Daft Punk's latest, Human After All, over and over despite critics' opinions.
-"The album sucks," says Pitchfork. "No, it doesn't," retorts Stylus. Blender and Entertainment Weekly weigh in, "Nothing could be shittier." NME counters, "Durrr, I dunno!"
-Research core data for Hottest Baby Names!
-Ask Luiz the Spaniard whether he prefers being called Latino or Mexican.
-Ask aloud why I am ranked in the top 10 searches when someone types "dudes fellating each other" in Google.
-Spoil the CGI ending of Xenosaga 2 - Jenseits von Gut und Boese for the Playstation 2:
I see. So this is the Y-Data. But there's a great deal
But both he and the U-TIC Organization have completely poured through the Realian's main database!!
Red Hooded Man:
He only went as far as the subconscious.
Below even that...in the lowest level of the unconscious domain... Are you saying the answer lies in the Unus Mundus?
Red Hooded Man:
Really? Well, I suppose we'll leave it at that for now. When the path to Lost Jerusalem is opened, KOS-MOS will awaken.
So, what will you do with him?
The camera views the silent hooded man.
I said it was a shame, didn't I?
There you have it. Good news, huh? Partner.
A white A.M.W.S. with a white hooded man descends on the scene.
Welcome... ...weaver of the eternal circle of Zarathustra!
The Return of Debbie
- "Oh my mittens!"
There she is. The enigmatic Debbie. She stalks into my apartment wearing the same black burqa I last saw her in. Well, I take that back, I suppose I last saw her covered in bandages in a hospital bed. That was hilarious. I guess she's returning from the Park Slope Plunger Store, because she’s carrying an industrial-use plunger with an oversized tag on it that reads, "For FUCKING SERIOUS Clogs."
"Hi Nate. Good to see you again. Not." Debbie creeps past me into the bathroom, slams the door and hitches the deadbolt. I stand silently and listen.
She continues, her voice muffled by the door, "You may recall, I was recovering from a beating at the hands of Sebastian Tolliver at the local Methodist Hospital. Luckily, I survived. I'm sure it was your prayers that did it, Nate. Anyways, the doctor diagnosed me with a condition called 'Temporary Mild Brain Damage.'"
SCLUG SCLUG SCLUG
"My physician, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, insisted that I stay at the hospital until I was better. Each day, I became more and more cognizant of the world around me. My brain damage was going away!”
SCLUG SCLUG SCLUG WHOOSH
"I kinda liked living at a hospital. The nurses swabbed me with sponges, the physicians swabbed me with sponges, my roommates swabbed me with sponges... Mmmmm, I sorta just hung out there, sandbagging the extent of my brain damage.”
SCLUG WHOOSH SCLUG SCLUG SQUIIIIIIRT
"Today, I closed my eyes the way brain damaged people do and prepared for the reception of my daily swabbing, when a person with a suspicious and commanding gait strode into my room. I was too afraid to peek, but I could feel cold emanating from his body."
SCLUG SQUIIIIIIRT SCLUG PLOOP PLOOP SCLUG CLOOOOG
"He scribbled something on my medical chart and left the room."
"What did it say?!" I inquired.
"It said, "We're coming for you, Debbie."
"Who was it?"
"I didn't wait to find out, I grabbed my stuff and came straight here."
I can't believe I dropped my iBook and broke the Delete key!
- I totally tricked all of you!
I ain't going no where.
April Fools, honkies!
- Someone recommended I suggest songs for you to listen to while you wait for this site to be deleted into oblivion. Here are my top picks:
Foo Fighters - It's Times Like These
Wilson Phillips - Hold On
Magnetic Fields - I Die
Magnetic Fields - I Don't Believe You
Bette Midler - Wind Beneath My Wings
Promise Ring - Nothing Feels Good
The Cure - Boys Don't Cry
Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Get Up Kids - The Most Depressing Song
Britney Spears - Not A Girl, Not Yet a Woman
Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
Antony & The Johnsons - Hope There's Someone
The Ponys - Lets Kill Ourselves
Arcade Fire - Rebellion (Lies)
Bright Eyes - Sunrise, Sunset
Skynyrd - Free Bird
Green Day - I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life
Feel free to add your own songs.
Just a few more hours!! Whoo!