Why did I go on MTV's Room Raiders?? - The Finale
- Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
"That stupid stupid whorebag! Gah!" I punched the interior wall of the van. "Owwiee!"
My former roommate Debbie, whom I last saw dying in a hospital bed, was in my apartment taking a dump during the taping of Room Raiders. A sweet horsefaced contestant named Suzie was on the cusp of choosing to give blowjobs to me, I'm certain, when she opened the bathroom door and found Debbie on the throne.
On the production monitor, a Room Raiders producer consoled a visibly shaken Suzie while waving in the cameraman to get tighter on the tears.
The van us dudes were in, pulled up to Suzie’s apartment and the crew instructed us to stampede inside and break everything we see. A production assistant shoved a bag of stinky garbage in each of our hands to strew all about too.
"Go make fun of that girl’s stupid possessions! Crucify her! Mwa ha ha! Go go go!" yelled a weasel-like director with Don Henley hair.
I instinctively took the hefty garbage bag, screamed primally into the air, and pitched it square at the director’s fugly mug. The blast knocked him to the ground with a bone crushing thud and the Room Raiders crew began weeping and crying. I took off running for the nearest subway station.
I've got to find Debbie! Where has she been the last 4 months?!
Twenty minutes later I'm walking with my head down past the other half of the RR production—paramedics were loading Suzie into an ambulance marked "Brooklyn Asylum."
I hopped up the stairs of my building, stepping anxiously through the broken-down door of my 1 room apartment.
"Debbie! Debbbbbiieeeee!! Where are you?!"
The place stunk and there was no answer. My computer was turned on and the following message anchored itself like a dreary fog to the screen/my life.