Take Time to Volunteer - Happy Birthday Wild Animal!
- Because I care for all of God's creatures, I like to take a few hours every month to volunteer with the various relief agencies in New York. I spent last Sunday with the animal outreach group called Happy Birthday Wild Animal!
The mission of Happy Birthday Wild Animal! is to surprise undomesticated and feral beasts with birthday cakes and apply anthropomorphic constructs to their savage brains that they could never ever comprehend—all while showering them with lavish gifts! We don't buy a can of Fancy Feast for our cats like the lame Every Adorable Kitten Deserves Fancy Feast—we only deal with at-risk wild ones. Heck, we don't even care if it really is the animal's birthday, we just love to party and so do the party animals.
We get dressed up in Panama Jack safari outfits and drive around the Catskills hootin' and shootin' confetti cannons into the air from a minivan until we spot a wild animal in need of a surprise party. We then start clapping 1-2-3-4 from within, roll open the side doors, and approach the untame mammal while flatly singing this tune:
Happy Happy Birthday
From the Happy Birthday Wild Animal Crew!
Happy Happy Birthday
From all of us to you. HEY!
That's when a cougar and several of his irate friends began attacking all of us.
"Help meeeeee!" I screamed as the mountain lion batted the sugary cake out of my hands and ripped a claw down the front of my chest like Sagat in Street Fighter II. All the other volunteers were shrieking and fleeing in opposing directions. "You didn’t open your lavish gifts yetttt!" I howled as a cougar grabbed me by the neck and shook me like a baby.
Thankfully, one of the volunteers was carrying an assault weapon and he managed to shoot all of the endangered animals dead without causing much harm to me.
Well, that was a bit of a disaster! On the drive home to the city, we returned all the gifts we bought back to Wal Mart.
After "The Catskill-ing Spree" (as the Post called it) was all said and done, I still think I made a difference in these animals' lives—despite the fact they're all dead now. And isn’t that the whole point of volunteering—to make a difference? Take time to volunteer everyone.
Shape Up, Homeless!