Why did I go on MTV's Room Raiders?? - Part 3
- "Room proprieter number two: I totally liked the 4 sets of first party Donkey Konga - Conga drum paddles, it says you won’t settle for 2nd best and that you have three friends. I also liked the skin mags and the massive cum stains all over the place, it shows you’ll probably be up for plugging me all the time. However… I didn’t like all the booby traps—that motion detecting arrow shooter almost killed me."
"Now, it's off to go see room number 3!"
Crap. I'm next. I'm sitting partially nude in a passenger van with two other dudes watching our rooms get raided in real time by a horsefaced and homely girl named Suzanne. Her friends call her The Sooz.
Her vehicle pulls up to my brownstone in terrifying Park Slope, Brooklyn. She gets out and we can hear shouting and gunshots in the background. The Sooz races upstairs to the splintered, broken door of my open studio apartment. She takes one cautious step inside.
After a minute of speechlessness, The Sooz turns to face the camera.
"Seriously--what the fuck?"
Dildos of various shapes and sizes were scattered across the living room, nickels and pennies littered the floor, my wall size Celine Dion poster lay on the ground in tatters.
"I’m not a big fan of all this squalor. I came here to find stacks of cash. NOT loose change. You think this impresses me? What's with all the dildos?? There's like three dozen. You only have two usable orifices."
"They're Debbie's! My former roommate's—I swear," I say to the dudes as I try to get high fives out of them.
Back to the girl—"Mmmm, okay. I like all the pink shirts in your closet," as she picks through my clothes. "It shows you're confident and comfortable in your sexuality. Oooh. I don't like this gold lamé three piece. That’s not cool."
She goes on, "Not that I will ever choose you, or that you even have a life worth living, but all of America would love to see me make fun of your bathroom on television."
She steps in front of the closed bathroom door, turns the knob, and kicks it open.
The Sooz begins screaming and hyperventilating. "Oh my, oh my oh my oh my!" She then runs out of the apartment, out of the building--her arms flailing wildly in the air. The camera crew finally chases her down the block and stops her for comment. She buckles over and gasps.
"I definitely did not like the Sunni Muslim taking a dump!"
"Debbie!!" I shouted as I clenched my fist.
To be concluded!