Say Something Nice To... Paris Hilton!
Poor unimaginably wealthy Paris. Someone hacked into your T-Mobile Sidekick this weekend and released your photos, your personal notes, and the numbers of all your superstar friends. Well, I find the internet reaction to the news to be despicable. I’m not gonna be one of these lame-os who gets his rocks off by brutally making fun of you during one of your worst public crises yet. Take my girlishly weak shoulder for support as I say something nice to cheer you up.
--You've proven to the world that despite all signs that would show otherwise, Fred Durst has at least one friend. That makes him feel good.
--Having "Dr. Pat" as your general practitioner instead of Dr. Sanjay Gupta further reinforces my longstanding belief that Dr. Sanjay Gupta isn't really a doctor, but actually some dude Anderson Cooper met in the men’s room at Splash.
--As embarrassing as it might be to have Ashlee Simpson in your friends list publicly revealed, be thankful you never saved Jake the Snake Roberts' phone number when he gave it to you.
--It's safe to say that each and every one of us has topless photos of ourselves making out with random lesbians or of us snuggling with Burt Reynolds. The internet needs to quit player hatin'!
--The world no longer pays attention when new pictures of your overexposed boobs hit the streets. The world, will however, become slightly intrigued when it hears that shots exist of you fisting Richard Simmons while he hangs in a bondage harness.
--Since you don't have an actual career at stake or an oeuvre founded on artistic merit, each new scandal can only make you hotter. Paris Hilton, you are the Teflon of the new millennium.
--In an effort to make it up to you, T-Mobile will graciously waive the charges on your 39.99 monthly plan
Say something nice!
Other times I've chosen to take the high road:
Say Something Nice to... Ashlee Simpson!
Say Something Nice to... Viktor Yuschenko!