Chris Rock was Right!!
- Last night, to test a hypothesis, I invited 5 random black males from the casual encounters section of Craigslist to hang out and watch The Oscars with me. Let me tell you--Chris Rock was absolutely right when he said straight black men don't watch the Academy Awards.
I mean, I had no reason to believe one way or another before I conducted the experiment.
But when Dwayne, Cliff, Theo, Arnold, & Willis showed up to my apartment without a single bag of Dipsy Doodles on Sunday, something seemed instantly queer. They sashay-ed right into my studio and started a pillow fight over who had the best hair during the The Oscars pre-show. It became unanimous--Adam Duritz of the Counting Crows.
After the laughter died down, I interjected, "It must be nice to leave all your girlfriends at home to spend an evening with 'the guys' on Oscar Night, huh?"
"Why don't you just take your pants off, white boy," said Dwayne on behalf of the group.
"Ummm. I'm fine actually." It dawned on me then--these black guys watching the Academy Awards are really totally gay! The next 15 minutes were filled with awkward silences and tense leers.
Right after Selma Hayek won a lifetime achievement award for speaking English, I leapt from the couch, said to Cliff, "Hey dude, seat check," and ambled to the kitchenette area to grab a Coors. I opened the fridge and hollered, "Would anyone else like one?" No response. When I turned around, Theo was fellating the engorged shaft of Willis while Willis rimmed the spread ass of Arnold as he swapped orifices with Cliff in a sixty nine position—right on my futon! And guess where Dwayne was jerking off? In MY seat!
"Arghh!! I called seat check! I thought we were just going to be a bunch of black dudes chilling and watching The Oscars, but I guess my expectations were set too high. Everyone out--now!"
When they finished shooting their loads all over each other, the men sheepishly gathered up their stuff and left.
Chris Rock was so right.