Whoop-Dee-Doo Lee Kennedy-Schaefer! - Finale
- Oooh… My blood just boils when I think of all the attention Lee is getting. I yearn for just one more day of that glory. Alas…why have you forsaken me, Time? That was my moment. And now it is gone. Forever.
Everything seemed so clear immediately after I won the SAT—I was adored by all, the Ivies were in a bidding war to lure me, and Jay Leno added me to his speed dial.
I returned to the States following the Japan incident—the 2nd Japan incident, rather. The second one was the kicker. News hadn’t spread to Hokkaido yet that I was “unwaveringly flippant” and “boldly disrespectful” in my "hate speech" at the shrine—as reported in the Asahi Shinbun a few days later. Maybe if they refrained from throwing broken glass bottles at me, I wouldn’t have resorted to doing “Suck It” signs to the entire crowd.
Anyways… I was having dinner at Chen Kenichi’s posh restaurant in Hokkaido called Super Happy Funhole. The entire kitchen staff strides with Chen as he comes out and presents me with a platter of pickled plums, natoo beans, and blowfish.
“This,” I struggled with the words, “is not what I ordered, right?”
“Try it. These are Japanese delicacies,” Chen’s translator said. “Kenichi-san made it just for you. He demands you partake in his labor in front of him so he can see your satisfaction”
“You know I’m just gonna puke. But whatever.” I grabbed a pickled plum, popped it in and began chewing. “Mmmm…Oishii…(This is delicious)…ku nai! (Psych!)” I spit the rest into my sake cup. Gasps from everyone. “Oh, get over it. This food sucks.”
But I was still in the running for America’s Next Top Model, right?
Wrong. I was deported that night. On the long and quiet flight home, I casually flipped through the Times and stumbled upon this article.
SAT GETS RECENTERED FOR SPRING OF 1995For the first time since it’s inception, the SAT will be recentered on a score of 500 being the average score. What this means is that new test takers will have higher scores and wins will be much more common.
I dropped the paper at my feet and a tear welled up in my eye. I didn't know what to expect when the plane landed.
And when the plane did come back to Earth, my worst assumptions were true. There wasn't a single fan waiting for me. In the weeks ahead, the buzz disappeared. No one adored me, the Ivies hurriedly put their pants back on, and the last time I tried calling Jay Leno, I got a message that said "This number has been disconnected."
First, Japan turned on me. Then, the SAT turned on me. Finally, the whole wide world had turned and left me.