Whoop-Dee-Doo Lee Kennedy-Schaefer!
- So you got a perfect score on the SAT, Lee. Way to go. Yeah, I read the breaking headlines. I’d be more impressed if you could get through all of Aint-It-Cool-News without soiling your pleated pants.
I remember when I was the SAT It-boy…
Back in the Winter of 1995, I was coming off what became the final leg of my publicity tour following my stunning SAT victory. The Germans loved me, Scandinavia couldn’t get enough—I had one week of photo ops in Japan before I could return to America and receive the homecoming accolade shower I yearned to stand in.
When my plane landed, a swarm of frantic Japanese, holding posters and effigies of me, rushed onto the tarmac. I was so surprised and caught off guard! “This must be what Pearl Harbor felt like,” I thought to myself. I was ushered into a limo and driven to the steps of Tokyo’s famous Senso-ji shrine where I was to give an inspirational speech to the screaming youth of the nation.
I stood up and the roar of the crowd got so loud. I spent all day preparing the right thing to say to really connect with these SAT losing people. I tapped on the mic and announced:
“Kyoo wa, watashi mo anata no youna baka na Nihon-zin desu!”
(Today, I am a stupid Japanese person like you!)
The roar muffled a little bit.
I repeated myself, but this time I used an emphatic fist pump to the sky.
The people all stopped clapping. Someone yelled out, “Are ga, baka na gaizin desu!”
(That, over there--is a stupid foreigner!)
I felt I was starting to lose them.
To Be Continued!