Qualifications to Get on the Iraqi Ballot
There’s a pretty long list out there of qualifications necessary to be on the Iraqi election ballot. The following are some of the items that made my eyebrow curdle!
--You must pass physical exam in which you show ability to a) duck, b) cover, c) run 100m dash in under 11 flat.
--You can not be, like, totally crazy.
--Applicant must fit in size L or XL iron bodysuits.
--Native Iraqis preferred first, American puppet governors will be considered if and only if all qualified native Iraqis are dead.
--You can not look like any of those terrorists on 24. They all seem really suspicious—especially the Mom who almost won an Oscar. I don’t trust her.
--However, if you look like someone gentle and loving like Danny Tanner or Joey Gladstone on Full House, you’re in.
--Muslims preferred. Non-demoninational a plus.
--Applicant must be detail oriented, have good people skills, and work well with shrapnel.
--You may not usher in a sweeping hostile right-wing government takeover using the Midwestern Foot-soldiers of Jesus.
--You must be willing to give George W. hot crude oil massages with full release whenever asked.
--You must promise to build weapons of mass destruction only out of cardboard and papier mache. It'd be sweet if you told us where all the other ones were, not that it matters anymore.
--Applicant should have plan to return American servicemen home using method that does not require casket industry.
--Applicant must cover any remaining Saddam Hussein wheat pastings with Star Wars Episode III posters.
--If you have participated in suicide bombings, you are ineligible.