Positively Opposite Review - Mission Accomplished!
- Best yesterday ever! Mission accomplished!! I was reminded of those triumphant moments that litter human history like the Berlin Wall coming down, the liberation of the Auschwitz concentration camp, or Neil Armstrong walking on the moon! Iraq’s election was just like all of those… right?!
Let’s face the single most important fact about the war. George W. invaded Iraq so that Iraqis could vote. Period. After all, these are the first elections since the last ones! Iraq has been jonesin’ with an election erection to vote for almost 4 years. Can you imagine waiting that long?!
Yeah yeah, we need to quash the insurgency. Yeah yeah, we need to rebuild Iraq’s infrastructure. Yeah yeah, we need to stop eyeballin' their quadrillion dollar oil reserves and focus on domestic issues. We can do all of that later, Debbie Downer. What’s important now is that we outfit the senior citizens who volunteer to run their board of elections with flash grenades and assault rifles so that they can fire back on rogue assailants lobbying deadly mortar shells!
Time out--who ran in this election? Doesn’t matter! Who should I have voted for? Doesn’t matter! Will Democracy plunge Iraq into whatever is the opposite of anarchy? It’s possible! Voting is the paramount issue right now. Stop making sense. Iraq, America decrees that you must feel what it’s like to have a ruling party that half your citizens detest. And so it shall be!
The fixed results may not be known for weeks or even months. But we can all rest a little bit easier knowing that Puff Daddy got out the inner city Baghdad voters, MTV amassed the young suburban Tikrit voters, and Michael Moore’s inflammatory documentaries convinced everyone everywhere to stop stuffing so many falafels down their pieholes lest they wish to become big fat lard-faces.
On a scale of 1 to 10, the Iraqi election isn't a Scud missile that errantly crashes in the desert. It's a Tomahawk strapped to a 10!!!