In 2005, I resolve to...
- --Refrain from making thick clouds of chlorine gas while cleaning.
--Demand that any guests who come over bring their own chamberpot with them.
--Quit smoking blunts.
--Take up smoking spliffs.
--Try and work “glamourous” into my attributes and phase “filthy slut” out.
--Finish bag of Cheetos.
--Join a new club or group--e.g. Sam’s Club or Costco.
--Remove/rinse away biohazardous threats from bathroom.
--Increase awareness of diversity.
--Perform community outreach via new street theatre group I’m forming called P.O.U.T.Y. - - People Overriding Urban-decay for Thespianic Youth
--Freshen lies on resume with new 2005 buzz phrases like “eye for hexadecimals,” “I’m the dynamic paratransit provider you’ve been waiting for,” and “I have a rack you’ve just gotta see to believe.”
--Teach interns to coordinate themselves.
--Do less sitting, more spinning.
--Switch to 1024x768.
Feel free to share your resolutions.