First Day at the New Job - Part 1
- I thought that since today is my first day at the Burning Bridges Greeting Card Company, I would celebrate yesterday the end to the baluga sized employment gap on my résumé with a drink.
So, I went by myself to a local Park Slope bar I've never been to before that looks like a life eroding denizen of pestilence on the outside, yet extremely charming on the inside called The Old Carriage Inn. It was so ironic there! Everyone was wearing New York Jets jerseys, chugging Schlitz out of party boners, and clapping at TV screens playing football. Hilarious! This must be what’s totally IN right now, I thought.
While I was sipping on a Belvedere and sifting through the short fiction section of The New Yorker, the bleeding edge hipster patrons in Zoobas would intermittently slap me on the back whenever events transpired on the monitors.
“Put that homo trash down and watch the game! Tennessee is gonna get whomped. Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man! Whoo!!!”
I averted my eyes from a cartoon I was on the cusp of understanding and sighed loudly to the shit-stain looking, moustached, indie rocker dressed ironically like a gluttonous slob, “Oh, all right,” and I peered at the screen skeptically, studying others in the room for the precise moment to revel during the broadcast.
At first, whenever the ball would go into the air, I would get so pretend excited I’d throw my arms up and interject gaily, “Yeah!! Sports!!!”
“Would you like another Belvedere?” The bartender came by.
“Fill me up!”
Soon enough, I was coming up with new witticisms like “That guy with the ball really succeeded just there!” after a well done offensive drive or "A Nickel defense? You'd think with those salaries they pay those millionaires out there that they could afford a Dime!"
“Another Belvedere, sir?”
“Yeah, no wait, I’m having a good time…plus I'm celebrating my new job I start in the morning. I think I’ll switch to a double 151 on the rocks. And keep 'em coming!”
I was feeling so of the moment--it was electric to take part in this hip new NYC trend that no doubt will hit the Midwest in 3-5 years.
And then I started feeling some other things. Most exclusively, I was getting the feeling you get when your brain is drowning in a shallow bathtub of alcohol and instead of just going home to bed, you decide to have another drink and threaten to kick everyone at the bar in their stupid comfortable pants, and you throw your 151 in the face of the bartender accusing her of conspiring to disenfranchise black voters, and then people start breaking bottles actin' like they're about to cut you, and finally a gaggle of sweatsuit loving hipsters you thought were your friends manhandle you out the door.
Anyways, to make a long story short, I have the hangover from Hell and it's already about 1 in the afternoon, and I was supposed to be at The Burning Bridges Greeting Card Company around 9:30.
I'm just gonna slip in and hope no one notices.