Positively Opposite Review - Election 2004!
- Way to go America! You did it! We did it! Hip-hip-hooray!!! Who’s a jolly good fellow? Republicans! Wow. You’re the best guys. You’re not a minority of inbred, slobbering, middle america buttholes--you’re a majority! What a day to be an American.
But what a day to be a Democrat! Think of what you accomplished. Democrats churned 3 million more people out to the polls than Al Gore. 4 words for you. Not Enough Homo-loving Liberals! But who’s to blame? Clearly it’s Nader, the snivelling rat, who spoiled the election again by robbing 0.0003 percent of the poop-ular vote away from Kerry. Maybe it was all the media? Who’s to say!? All those books and movies and protests and Billionaires and t-shirts and Dave Eggers calling trees and Bruce Springsteen rock-offs--maybe America was just overwhelmed by rational thought processes and coolness!
Big props go out to Puff Daddy and MTV for their youth voter initiatives. Thanks for not taking sides guys, you lovable, highly influential pricks. Let’s not have a campaign that says “Vote Democrat or Die” or “Choose Democrat or Lose,” you wouldn’t want to alienate the Republican bases that drive your profit motives and success! I can picture it now, Republicans flipping from PAX and the 700 Club to watch Making the Band 2! You’re all great.
Guess what else is awesome?! The sanctity of marriage! Praise Jesus, it has been preserved and tightened in every state it was on the ballot! America overwhelmingly united around the notion that we must be divided into a nation of 1st and 2nd class citizens. One man! One woman! A bundle of 1200 rights just for married people only! Hey, Adam & Steve, have you ever been fucked so hard in the ass?? Let me know if it starts to hurt!
Who’s more stoked than me to see that Republicans are going to have majority influence over all three branches of the government? No one! Think of all the backwoods legislation that can be passed! Finally, first trimester fetuses will be given the right to vote, scientists will be stricken to the fat chicks’ table, and my health insurance premiums will spiral upwards for the good cause of helping drug companies post bigger profits on their quarterly reports! It’s like I’m dreaming! Yes!
I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control--and I think I hate it! You know, I was thinking, I wonder if this feeling I feel is the feeling one gets if one were to take a metal cheese grater to one’s own heart and grate grate grate away until there’s nothing left? Ah, I’m just kidding, this feels so much minimally better!
You did it America! You really did it.