Official winneroftheSAT 2004 Voter Guide for the Undecided Voter
- Decisions are hard. No one ever said deciding stuff would be easy. Since most wotSAT readers are either senile or comatose, allow me to make important decisions for you. Walk with me and grant me legally binding power of attorney as I decide who you should vote for in this most important of national elections. I'm not gonna be a pussy like all those other blogs like Yahoo and Amazon and keep mum while you're pushing levers that will decide the fate of the free world.
Let’s look at the front-runners:
Michael Peroutka - Constitutional Party - Michael vows to take every troop out of Iraq and redeploy all but the women along the US/Mexico border and train them to shoot and kill aliens whose sole desire is to make a wage higher than 50 cents an hour, thus preventing the destructive insourcing of highly sought after careers in migrant farming, meat packing, and cab driving. I like it, I like it. But what’s his take on taxes? As a strict interpreter of the Constitution, the day Michael becomes president, he promises to slash the federal budget by 90 percent, dissolve the IRS, and rub some cellulite cream on the obese thighs of the deficit. The idea that we could plunge the nation into vigilante run anarchism in a single day in exchange for a tax refund with 230 extra dollars does sound appealing!
Michael Badnarik - Libertarian Party - Whoa! Too many Michaels. I have voter fatigue already, man. Well, let’s hear what he has to say on job creation. “The only way that government can "create" jobs is by getting out of the way - and as president, that's precisely what I intend to do.” So you’re saying once you’re president, you’ll like..get out of the way? Interesting stance. Lead by not-leading. It’s growing on me. New topic: capital punishment. “The best place to initiate the death penalty is at 2 a.m. at the ATM when someone comes up to take your money.” Yes!! Street justice is THE hot button issue with the voting public and I’m thrilled that we have a candidate willing to take it to the hoop. AKs for every man, woman, and toddler. It'll be just like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas--think of how fun that game is and then apply its fun factor to real life!
David Cobb - Green Party - What?? Green Party?! You’re still here? You ruined the election last time by inspiring 3 percent of America who didn’t want to vote for that turd Al Gore to go and vote for a platform that engaged people under the age of 65, had sound ideas on public policy, called for no-nonsense transparency in government, and provided a candidate who continually stands up to powerful special interests and fights for equal rights for all. I will never forgive you Green Party for showing the Democratic Party how far they drifted from its base in 2000. My blood boils just looking at the color green! Don’t vote for this group of logical idealists or anyone associated with them from last time.
George W. Bush - Republican - Nah.
John Kerry - Democrat - Eh. Sure.
There you have it! Despite the Libertarians and Constitutionalists putting up some stiff-arm competition, John Kerry gets a resounding “Eh. Sure.” from the winneroftheSAT. I've decided you should vote for him.
I am the winneroftheSAT and I approve this message.