I Can't Believe my Cup of Yogurt used Me Like This
- I was bored last night and feeling a little bit hot and restless. Since my studio apartment is scantily tiny, I slinked about 9 inches away from my bed and went to the micro-fridge to find something, anything to eat. Eyeballing the inventory inside, I saw large cucumbers, eggplants, long carrots, a few green bananas, a smoked kielbasa, and a fat tube of Genoa salami. I didn’t feel like constructing anything and I wasn’t feeling like a fruit, so I moved the firm bananas aside and behind them was an 8 oz.cup of Key Food brand blended blueberry yogurt!
Goldmine! That was exactly what I was craving. It was just sitting there all coy in the back. I gently handled the salami out of the way and I positioned my legs so I could jerk the yogurt from the corner of the fridge with ease. This was the cool treat I desired.
Fumbling in the soft night lighting with the smooth plastic lid, I pulled it off and I was about to rip back the foil rim when I realized I shouldn't be doing this without a spoon. I hurriedly fondled through the kitchen tool drawer for a suitable clean utensil to put in my mouth and thankfully I found a large tablespoon.
Eager with carnal hunger, I ravenously tore off the foil and--SPLOOGE!--without warning, drops of creamy blueberry yogurt bursted out, splattering all up and down my nightshirt!
What the fuck just happened here?
The Caribbean LOVES White People!
It's true! Everyone in the whole entire Caribbean Sea loves white people! I was on a cruise boat last week with my family and each port of call we went to was bursting with natives greeting our white frames with loving arms. The 4700 elephantine white people grazing outside of the sideways skyscraper, The Navigator of the Seas, were passionately courted like hot chicks at a Waffle House in Wheeling.
For example, in St. Thomas--one of the Virgin Islands--each of the white people would be approached immediately after stepping off the gangway by a caring isle taxi service representative. He would say something friendly like, "25 dollars per person. Get in." Since most generic white families are easily confused by those with accents and a smile, they are swiftly corralled into minivans and heading towards a great spot for water sports before the disappointment sets in that water sports there are very different than water sports in the US.
Along the taxi ride, the white person in the front seat makes abysmal and condescending conversation with the driver while the people in the back seats stare out into paradise. Would you even imagine that the locals were just as curious to stare back in? Sometimes throbbing crowds of happily crazed natives would swarm around the van and chant delightfully incensed prayers while rapping the windows with flaming torches. The Caribbean knows how to entertain!
When you finally make it out of the taxi and onto the beach, another native rushes up as your feet hit the dirt and says, "Snorkel mask, 20 dollars each, You need three right?" The service here is just so darned exquisite, fast, and friendly. My hair was completely braided in less than a half hour of being off the ship.
I've never experienced this kind of cross-class love relationship in New York City except perhaps with all the people who apply my toppings at Subway. But even those lovable hucksters at Subway Sandwiches don't give you the same love as those in the Caribbean. Surely, there must be some neighborhood of primarily Caribbeans here where I could just as easily lumber around and receive the same doe-eyed gracious and welcoming looks from the natives.
Totally IN... In a suitcase packed for a Caribbean cruise!
- While packing for an upcoming cruise vacation, I've discovered that the following are the most IN things to bring!
-Narcotics for the cartel, economy sized shampoo bottles to store them in.
-Maps, orientation gear, compass--leave behind compass that makes arcs
-2nd suitcase to store lobsters from the midnight buffets. Use as leftovers.
-Ziploc bags for marine life found while snorkeling, saltwater
-Senor Frog's t-shirts. Make space for 2004 edition Senor Frog's Party Bone.
-Boxers, briefs--see if there is way to combine the two to maximize room in suitcase
-Set of matching rainbow colored speedos to be worn at all times so family can easily spot each other in a crowd.
-Counterfeit casino chips
-Trannie outfit, the kind made popular in the movie Boat Trip.
-"Annie Get Your Gun" period costume in case leads and understudies are sick.
-Preventative anti-diarrhea medicine to be taken before boarding cruise ship and every 4 hours thereafter.
-Cure for Norwalk Virus
-Picture frames to place new cherished memories in.
-Live Strong motion sickness bracelet
Is anything IN missing??
Others in the Totally IN... series!
Totally IN...on Wall Street!
Totally IN...In a NYC Bathroom Stall!
Totally IN...In a NYC Elevator!
From the Webmaster
He really is going on a weeklong cruise. Next week's posts will be contingent on whether or not there is free internet on the boat.
Which Did I Care Less About?: The American Music Awards or the VIBE Awards
- Although I had zero interest in watching either of them, people have demanded I choose once and for all which recent awards show I cared the least about.
Readers might instantly react, "The winneroftheSAT hates minorities! Obviously, he cared about the Vibe Awards the least!!" That is a bold faced lie! I look beyond color. It doesn’t matter if you’re cerulean, magenta, maize, or any other skin tone that doesn't exist, I promise right here that I will hold an equal and extreme amount of contempt for everyone who isn’t me regardless of racial purity.
Moving forward, I'll reenact one of many startling crimes that sums up the AMAs. For best Favorite Band, Duo, or Group - Pop or Rock, the nominees are: Evanescence, Nickelback, and Outkast. C'mon Nickelback, come on Nickelback! And the winner is... Outkast! What?! That’s bullshit, man! If your whole awards show strives to rest on laurels of buttrocking mediocrity, we all know that Nickelback got totally robbed. They are so good and so awesome. Nickelback should have won every category. This show is for gaywads. I <3 NIckelback 4EVER!!!
Want to hear something even more preposterous? Nickelback wasn't invited to the Vibe Music Awards!! Neither was Evanescence! Who was at your awards show then, Vibe? Missy Elliot, Russell Simmons, 50-cent, Tyra Banks, N.E.R.D,, Dre. Hmmm. Wait a second. These people are somewhat culturally relevant! What's the deal? No Brooks & Dunn? Maybe if you had Ronnie & Kix at your awards show, you could get a piece of that lucrative toothless hillbilly market that the AMAs adores.
Just look at this list of presenters at the American Music Awards: Brooks & Dunn, Kelly Clarkson, Sheryl Crow, Matthew Fox, Kenny G, Eva Longoria, Michael McDonald, MercyMe, Kelly Osbourne, Nicolette Sheridan, Anna Nicole Smith, the Ying Yang Twins, and the ultimate kiss of death, Kathy Griffin. I'd rather eat a bowl of scabs. I don’t even need to clarify.
At least with the Tuesday airing of the Vibe Awards, people are getting stabbed, punched in the head, and clobbered with chairs. It's always a welcome pleasantry to have a night of these actions to fill the lull between Monday Night RAW and Smackdown on Thursdays.
I cared the least about The American Music Awards!
- It's family reunion time!
These are my parents! Or transparents for those who care to know. I'm in the middle!
The entire Nate S. family is going on a five day cruise next week! We're hopping on a Royal Caribbean cruiseline and I'm taking this blog somewhere you'd never expect it to go--Hispaniola!
The trip is going to be a family reunion of sorts except for the fact that all my extended family is either imprisoned or have discontinued all communication with us. Because my parents swapped sex organs, we are dead to them! However, each night we invite the aunts and uncles aboard in our imaginations with a fun game we enjoy doing in which we take turns delivering our reclusive relatives' favorite catchphrases until one of us guesses who we're talking about.
For example, to emulate Uncle Tony talking to Aunt Angela, I might go, "Yo Angela, what's a wrong a with the spaghetti?! You no likey the spaghetti?" In the case of cousin Alex in conversation with cousin Mallory, I would say, "Gee Mal, what's not to love about Ronald Reagan's new tax incentives?" Or the best is when Father-to-Mother does his-to-her spot on impression of Grandma Garret when she yells, "Girls! Girls! Girls!" at her scandalous daughters/daughter-to-son. It's almost as if they're right there with us.
Fun times shall be had! Come sail away with me next Monday!
The Library Sequence - The Finale
- Part 1 Part 2 Part 3
"You know, I don't want to hear your explanations, chachi." I strode up to Sebastian Tolliver and stood toe to toe under his terribly tacky umbrella. "Know what I'm sayin'?" The rain was still coming down and my feet continued to throb from Oasis' vicious attack.
"What?" I started bulging my eyes and dabbing the air with my nose trying to get him to flinch. "What now? What you gonna do, huh?”
The jerk headbutted me in the forehead!
"Gahhhh!!" I fell to the pavement and wailed tearfully. "What the heck is wrong with you?"
"Ha ha ha! Don't you want me to explain the origins of Debbie, Oasis, and I?" Sebastian gloated.
"Not really! I get the gist already, man. She's an operative for a shadowy secret society, Oasis is hopped up on some sort of violence enhancing drug, and you are Debbie’s deranged ex-boyfriend. Excuse me, unhinged, preposterous, lunatic ex-boyfriend whose reason for stalking me is yet to be revealed."
"That's no way to interface with your future boss, Nate."
"What?!" I gasped and covered my mouth.
Sebastian continued, "When I saw on your blog that you were applying for the position at the Burning Bridges factory, I thought it was nigh time for me to join the workforce too. I’m the NEW 1st Assistant to the Vice President of Consumer Affairs’ Assistant. And you’re the..."
"...2nd Assistant...to the Vice...President...of Con...sumer. Affairs...'....Ass..istant.," I choked in shock.
Suddenly, a parallel was struck when lightning crashed and I was reminded that the personal misery of this situation feels much like the global misery that occured whenever that Live song titled "Lightning Crashes" came on the radio in 1994.
A few blocks away, a police cruiser was rolling our way up 6th Avenue roving slowly past the rows of charming brownstones that line the street.
Visibly stirred by its appearance on the horizon Sebastian gripped his throat and yelped, "Oh shit! It's the cops!" He threw his hands into the air and ran screaming from the library grounds. He continued his raving straight through the middle of a nearby intersection and disappeared amongst the bushes of a nearby vicarage.
I gathered myself off the concrete, dusted the lapels of my jacket, picked up the gaudy mauve and violet umbrella Sebastian left behind and took this as my chance to escape.
Yesterday, I was Culturally Relevant: The Arcade Fire @ The Bowery Ballroom
Every few months, I release the shackles that confine me to this wretched iBook and I venture out into the city in search of adventure and illicit drugs. After finding lots of illicit drugs, I stumbled my way into The Arcade Fire show at the Bowery Ballroom.
To witness something on the cusp of critical greatness is one of the few fleeting pleasures one could experience in this cold, empty world. These moments don't happen often. The last time I felt this, I was watching the series premiere of Desperate Housewives.
How great was this show? Top 5 of all time. Now...where to place it? In front of the life altering Peaches at Electroclash 2002? Or behind the mindblowing Unicorns at the Southpaw? I'm so torn. Will this boot Bette Midler at Madison Square Garden off the top 5? In a word. Clearly.
As with the Unicorns, Sloan, the Hidden Cameras, and other bands from Canada, the ease at which The Arcade Fire switched instruments without coming across as grossly inept was way impressive. These guys ain't pastry chefs trying to broil a pork roast. These are master rockers who can totally rock at everything they do.
Midway through the blistering set, the crowd roared, "Dedicate a song to David Bowie's moustache!" As any cool front man would do, Win Butler politefully declined and then the band continued to rock the fuck out of everyone. I was almost hit in the face with drumstick shrapnel by the Napoleon Dynamite guy and I was inches away from being sweated on by the glowing Butler himself. Either of those would have so ruled.
Sadly, my night of cultural relevance was almost spoiled when some bee-yotch denounced me for being twice her height and standing in front of her. I tried to explain politely that 98% of the population is taller than her and that If she don't like it, she should move to Mexico.
Shocking Blogosphere Events of the Evening:
-Central Village was NOT the five feet and change manchild next to me with a full beard as I suspected the entire show.
-Brooklyn Vegan was NOT pushing a McLaren double stroller--as is the case of most residents of Park Slope, Brooklyn. He also was not carrying a baby in a backpack as far as I could tell.
Top 5 other Assholes who Should take a Clue from Arafat and Drop Dead
- 1. Jerry Falwell
You’re a double chinned parasite who preys on the feeble. If there’s a hell, you’ll be rotting in it for all the hate and the fear that you profit from, you no good fatty.
2. Indra Sundralingam - My former Landlady, Ohio Slumlord
One of my fondest memories of living at the property you owned in Columbus was when I spent a week spraying the 3 and a half foot high lawn with industrial strength Grass Killer because you refused to mow it until the city stepped in. I scorched the earth to teach you a lesson. You countered by lying, cheating, dodging, and stealing in a concerted effort to wrongfully withold my security deposit. I followed up by quoting some statutes and passages from the Ohio Code and everything turned out all right in the end.
3. Tim LaHaye & Jerry B. Jenkins - Writers of the Left Behind books
12 books in the ongoing main series, 40 in the teenage editions, a plethora of separate Left Behind based political and military books, a direct to video film, a Prophecy Club, Palm Pilot software...the list goes on and on. There's no end to these assholes' ambitions to exploit Christianity and its followers to its fullest extent. I often wonder, what drives people like these writers or Rush Limbaugh or Anne Coulter to behave the way they do and say the things they say? You start adding up the receipts and you’ll come up with millions of reasons to be just like them.
4. Islamic extremists
I’m way over Islamic extremists. Yasser, the terrorist acts that you actively encouraged Palestinians to commit have spread like a virus all over the world. I’m glad you’re dead. I hope someone kills the rest of you douchebags too.
5. Everyone at www.sorryeverybody.com
You should all be corralled and shot with a high pressure jizz cannon because you’re the largest online collection of soggy pussies that isn’t indexed on Fleshbot that the world has ever seen. I can’t imagine any other citizens of any other country on the planet throwing such an embarrassing and bizarre pity party, can you? It’s so stupid. It’s our country. The election was hijacked by brainless Evangelicals and manipulated by widespread voter fraud--let’s deal with it in other ways.
Dan the Goose made this one up.
Haha. Funny jpgs make the world go 'round.
The Library Sequence - Part 3
- Part 1 Part 2
“Umm...Can you move?”
“Never! Ha ha ha!”
A freakazoid dressed in all black holding a hideously colored umbrella was impeding my exit from the grounds of the library.
“Well, do you have a Band-Aid?”
“Nope! Ha ha ha!”
Oasis the cat sorta fucked me up inside and I'm losing blood faster than a waitress loses her tip when she asks me, “Gee, would you like any food to go with all your sides of Ranch Dressing?” It’s pouring down rain right now, I'm drenched, and the only positive to this miserable day is that the stains on my khakis might not set.
“Uh...can I at least stand under your tacky umbrella with you while you say whatever you're going to say?”
“No chance! Ha ha ha!”
I have a feeling this man is Sebastian Tolliver--the man who put my dear roommate Debbie in the hospital. The man who according to Oasis' Catster profile, raised Oasis while living with Debbie a few years ago. The man with a voice like a chorus of a thousand demonic Bret Michaelses. I don't know how Debbie could have put up with this goofball for more than 2 minutes. I wish he’d just leave me alone.
“Can you please just leave me alone?”
“Not likely, fatty! Ha ha ha!”
I countered, “I'm not a fatty. What the fuck is your deal?”
“I wanted to see with my own eyes your destruction at the paws of Oasis. My 'pet project,' so to speak.” Sebastian held up his hands and made air quotes when he said pet project. Who makes those anymore??
With much spite in regards to his finger quotes, I replied, “What do you mean, pet project?”
“Allow me to explain...”
To Be Continued!
The SAT is totally IN this Fall
- Need more proof that standardized tests and anything associated with them are totally in? Check out these killer turtlenecks over at the Built By Wendy store.
SAT Print Jersey Turtleneck
Amy Sedaris modelling the SAT Print Jersey Turtleneck
In related praise for all things SAT news, the inimitable beacon of NYC indie rock info, Brooklyn Vegan knows what's up too.
Running the 2004 NYC Marathon
My ankles are swollen and blue and I've covered my entire body (except for my genitals) in mentholated Ben-Gay adhesive wraps. I've been sitting in a bathtub full of ice for the past 3 hours like a keg of flat Natty Light at a house party. Except, this ain’t no house party, y'all. This is what it feels like the day after participating in the NYC Marathon. Woops! There go my toenails.
What possessed me to do this?? What did I possibly accomplish yesterday? Sure it’s one of humanity’s crowning pinnacles of achievement to run 26.2 miles in a row, but is it worth it? Can you put a value on achievement? Isn’t saying I accomplished something just as good as actually accomplishing something? For all intents and purposes, It should be!
I spent all yesterday morning clapping and screaming words of encouragement for the fast marathon runners. Go Liz! Keep it up Eugene! Push it to the limit Marek! You can do it trannie running backwards! My palms quickly became chafed beyond repair and I developed a bit of seasonal laryngitis. It was tough racing through the subway to catch up with the leaders, but it was all worth it to see them smile and barf all over themselves when they crossed the finish line.
Inspired by these 37,257 maniacs, I decided to run a marathon on the treadmill at the YMCA I frequent. I first set my sights on doing a full marathon. Then I lowered them to a half marathon. After 3 minutes, I decided there's no face lost in just running a 1/8th marathon, and finally I settled on just running for 10 minutes--which later turned into jogging for 5 minutes, then power walking the rest.
As you can imagine, I didn't stretch very well afterwords, and boy am I paying for it now! But the sense of pride and achievement I garnered is something this lasting lifetime physical pain and ankle deformity could never take away. Who knows, maybe I inspired someone at the gym to run/walk a 1/ 26th marathon. There was a wrinkly old lady staring at my loins the entire time, perhaps she went home to fantasize about running a marathon too.
Once I recover from my attempted marathon, I will begin training again. Next year, look for 37, 258 maniacs out on those city streets.
The Library Sequence - Part 2
- As I was saying before this turned into a dreary, maniacal political blog... I was at the library on 6th Ave. in treacherous Park Slope, pretending to read magazines, searching for my former roommate Debbie's cat Oasis. Debbie is laid up at the local Methodist Hospital still--for months, it seems. In the wake of Debbie’s absence, Oasis’ bladder problems began tinkling out of control. My mind was on the brink. He drove me to write poetry! Since he wasn’t my cat in the first place, I tried to get someone to adopt him. When no one stepped up to shoulder the burden of this heavy cross, I sentenced the fleabag to death row. On what was to be the last day he would breathe, the online community pleaded that I give him one more chance at living. Some people threatened karmic retribution. Others volunteered to beat me to an inch of my life. Whatever.
So, I permitted Oasis to leave on his own accord. When he left, he shit all over my front porch in a final desperate act of defiance and split into the cold, dark streets of this hellish part of inner-city Brooklyn. I'm here at this public library now--just the thought of using the public libarary makes my blood curdle, mind you--because Oasis picked up word processing in his spare time and uses his new skill to assassinate my character in a very unamusing Catster diary. I’m here to settle the score in a delightful way reminiscent of some of the more violent finishing moves in Mortal Kombat.
Much to my dismay, while reading up on new fall fashions--sweaters are in!-- something scurried under my study table and gashed open my shins. I sure do bleed a lot in this blog! Ay! Remember the time I had to cut my forehead like a pro-wrestler in order to give the impression that I just got mugged because i was running late to a job interview? Ah, memories. Anyways...so my pleated khakis were pooling up with a stain fit for an Oxy Clean commercial.
I hobbled to my feet snarling in pain. Everyone in the library was looking at me. I searched furiously for signs of Oasis. Oasis said he was gonna cut me in his Catster profile, but I didn’t think he really meant it! I started taking baby steps towards the exit of the building. With each step, blood would shoot out from the wounds like my shins were performing in a GWAR concert. Step. Spray! Step. Spray!
And then that reddish Abyssinian blur appeared again darting from a bookshelf. “Oh no! No no no no no no no NO!”
That bitch cat cut me again. This time in my calves.
“Jeezus H!” Step. Squirt. Spray! Step. Squirt. Spray! “Hello?? Does anyone here not notice a psychotic cat racing around the fucking library slicing me in the legs with his claws??”
“Sir, if you are going to make a commotion, I suggest you do it outside,” a fat librarian whispered.
How am I supposed to beat the heck out of this cat if I’m not at 100 percent? This battle will have to take place another day. I continued my stutter steps over to the entrance and pushed open the bulky doors. Thank god. Another one of those attacks and I might be walking home on two stumps instead of two feet.
Outside, the storm was still going. It was raining hard. Lightning crackled along the sky. I stood at the top of the granite stoop. The rain poured on me.
“HOLD IT RIGHT THERE,” a voice shrieked. It was like the voice of a banshee demon--an ear piercing, high pitched screech. I recognize this voice. Hmmm...
I looked at my shoes. The rain washed the blood from my pants and my eyes followed the crimson creek leading down each of the grey steps. At the bottom of the stone stairs, a figure wearing finely tailored all black clothing, holding a gaudy pink and purple umbrella, lurked menacingly in the red river that had pooled.
T-shirts for sale! Get your shitty t-shirts!
- Hot off the presses are two new designs for the "I'm extremely bitter about the Democrats losing this election and I want to show it" crowd. Click on the link to start spendin'!
The winneroftheSAT Shopzone
What a deal! Only 15 bucks!
Positively Opposite Review - Election 2004!
- Way to go America! You did it! We did it! Hip-hip-hooray!!! Who’s a jolly good fellow? Republicans! Wow. You’re the best guys. You’re not a minority of inbred, slobbering, middle america buttholes--you’re a majority! What a day to be an American.
But what a day to be a Democrat! Think of what you accomplished. Democrats churned 3 million more people out to the polls than Al Gore. 4 words for you. Not Enough Homo-loving Liberals! But who’s to blame? Clearly it’s Nader, the snivelling rat, who spoiled the election again by robbing 0.0003 percent of the poop-ular vote away from Kerry. Maybe it was all the media? Who’s to say!? All those books and movies and protests and Billionaires and t-shirts and Dave Eggers calling trees and Bruce Springsteen rock-offs--maybe America was just overwhelmed by rational thought processes and coolness!
Big props go out to Puff Daddy and MTV for their youth voter initiatives. Thanks for not taking sides guys, you lovable, highly influential pricks. Let’s not have a campaign that says “Vote Democrat or Die” or “Choose Democrat or Lose,” you wouldn’t want to alienate the Republican bases that drive your profit motives and success! I can picture it now, Republicans flipping from PAX and the 700 Club to watch Making the Band 2! You’re all great.
Guess what else is awesome?! The sanctity of marriage! Praise Jesus, it has been preserved and tightened in every state it was on the ballot! America overwhelmingly united around the notion that we must be divided into a nation of 1st and 2nd class citizens. One man! One woman! A bundle of 1200 rights just for married people only! Hey, Adam & Steve, have you ever been fucked so hard in the ass?? Let me know if it starts to hurt!
Who’s more stoked than me to see that Republicans are going to have majority influence over all three branches of the government? No one! Think of all the backwoods legislation that can be passed! Finally, first trimester fetuses will be given the right to vote, scientists will be stricken to the fat chicks’ table, and my health insurance premiums will spiral upwards for the good cause of helping drug companies post bigger profits on their quarterly reports! It’s like I’m dreaming! Yes!
I’m so excited, I just can’t hide it. I’m about to lose control--and I think I hate it! You know, I was thinking, I wonder if this feeling I feel is the feeling one gets if one were to take a metal cheese grater to one’s own heart and grate grate grate away until there’s nothing left? Ah, I’m just kidding, this feels so much minimally better!
You did it America! You really did it.
Official winneroftheSAT 2004 Voter Guide for the Undecided Voter
- Decisions are hard. No one ever said deciding stuff would be easy. Since most wotSAT readers are either senile or comatose, allow me to make important decisions for you. Walk with me and grant me legally binding power of attorney as I decide who you should vote for in this most important of national elections. I'm not gonna be a pussy like all those other blogs like Yahoo and Amazon and keep mum while you're pushing levers that will decide the fate of the free world.
Let’s look at the front-runners:
Michael Peroutka - Constitutional Party - Michael vows to take every troop out of Iraq and redeploy all but the women along the US/Mexico border and train them to shoot and kill aliens whose sole desire is to make a wage higher than 50 cents an hour, thus preventing the destructive insourcing of highly sought after careers in migrant farming, meat packing, and cab driving. I like it, I like it. But what’s his take on taxes? As a strict interpreter of the Constitution, the day Michael becomes president, he promises to slash the federal budget by 90 percent, dissolve the IRS, and rub some cellulite cream on the obese thighs of the deficit. The idea that we could plunge the nation into vigilante run anarchism in a single day in exchange for a tax refund with 230 extra dollars does sound appealing!
Michael Badnarik - Libertarian Party - Whoa! Too many Michaels. I have voter fatigue already, man. Well, let’s hear what he has to say on job creation. “The only way that government can "create" jobs is by getting out of the way - and as president, that's precisely what I intend to do.” So you’re saying once you’re president, you’ll like..get out of the way? Interesting stance. Lead by not-leading. It’s growing on me. New topic: capital punishment. “The best place to initiate the death penalty is at 2 a.m. at the ATM when someone comes up to take your money.” Yes!! Street justice is THE hot button issue with the voting public and I’m thrilled that we have a candidate willing to take it to the hoop. AKs for every man, woman, and toddler. It'll be just like Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas--think of how fun that game is and then apply its fun factor to real life!
David Cobb - Green Party - What?? Green Party?! You’re still here? You ruined the election last time by inspiring 3 percent of America who didn’t want to vote for that turd Al Gore to go and vote for a platform that engaged people under the age of 65, had sound ideas on public policy, called for no-nonsense transparency in government, and provided a candidate who continually stands up to powerful special interests and fights for equal rights for all. I will never forgive you Green Party for showing the Democratic Party how far they drifted from its base in 2000. My blood boils just looking at the color green! Don’t vote for this group of logical idealists or anyone associated with them from last time.
George W. Bush - Republican - Nah.
John Kerry - Democrat - Eh. Sure.
There you have it! Despite the Libertarians and Constitutionalists putting up some stiff-arm competition, John Kerry gets a resounding “Eh. Sure.” from the winneroftheSAT. I've decided you should vote for him.
I am the winneroftheSAT and I approve this message.
My Halloween Costume
- Here's me in my Halloween costume.
Here’s my routine.
“It sure is great to be in Brunswick, Ohio at the Chortle Factory. Let me just get out my list. Hey, here’s one. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster? Anyone? To keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it! *crickets chirping* Is this thing on? Oh, you’re gonna love this. Okay, okay. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Alice Cooper! *someone coughs* Didn’t like that? Hmmm... Have you heard my Cosby impression? ‘You gotta eat the pudding and the jello in the form of a pudding pop...What good is a pudding pop if it ain’t a jello pudding pop...’ Am I right?? Jeez. Tough crowd tonight. *Scattered boos* Um, I’ve got time for one more. What does an argument between Peter Gabriel and Phil Collins sound like? Like this: But Seriously, Peter. So, Phil? But Seriously! So? But seriously! So!! Hello...I Must Be Going! I lied about how great it is to be in Brunswick. Good night!