- Before I begin my new potentially awkward job at the Burning Bridges Greeting Card Factory, I have a little unfinished business with a certain retarded cat named Oasis. It’s easy to blame acid reflux or a drummer’s finger or a shot of cortisone administered too late by Wayne Newton’s doctor on one’s gaffes, but the blame to MY problems rests solely on the head of Oasis. He’s turned me into the laughing stock of the internet! Last week, he gets on Catster and all of a sudden he thinks he’s like a Supreme Court justice doing bad standup--all making opinions and telling oral sex jokes in his Catster diary. I ain’t having it.
I’ve decided to go find Oasis where he uses his computer--the Park Slope branch of the Brooklyn Public Library--and confront him. I’ve got quite a few “questions” for him, if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, the questions I have in mind are, “You got a deathwish?” and “How would you like being cut, son?” I’ll slay him right in the middle of the large print Spanish books section if he even tries to step. I have a few questions for the library staff too, like, "Why do you let cats in to use the computers??" Tomorrow: shit goes down.
I also have some overdue books to return.