The Final Presidential Debate - The Transcript!
Question 1: Will our children be as safe as we were?
Bush: First of all, I’d like to say thanks Arizona for having us. It’s been a pleasure to come here and poop in your toilets.
Kerry: I disagree. This is where I differ from my opponent. I found no pleasure in pooping in your toilets.
Question 2: How did the U.S. end up with a flu vaccine shortage?
Bush: I forgot to put in the purchase order.
Kerry: When I’m commander in chief I will fight the flu the way I fought in Vietnam. I will shoot at people with the flu. I own a gun. I’m a hunter. There’s a head of a Polar Bear on my dresser.
Question 3: With rising costs, how do you keep from raising taxes?
Bush: Give me a break already. Christ. I don’t fucking know.
Kerry: Look at me America, I will never raise taxes. Psych!
Question 4: What do you say to someone who lost his job?
Bush: Well, first I’d cry with them then hold their hand and tell them they’re special and God still loves them and then I’d pity fuck the hell out of them.
Kerry: My plan is to open 1000 new Foot Lockers nationwide, thus creating 100,000 new jobs.
Question 5: Is Bush entirely to blame for loss of jobs?
Bush: Absolutely not.
Question 6: Do you believe homosexuality is a choice?
Bush: Homosexuality is for gaywads. John Kerry is a liberal. Liberal is a conservative codeword for homo lover.
Kerry: I have a homosexuality plan that will let you choose the homosexuality that is right for you. I’m not gonna let the top 1% of CEOS make that choice. That’s just wrong.
Question 7: Who is responsible for rising health care costs?
Bush: I no understand English. My wife speaks better Engrish.
Kerry: That guy.
Bush: Well, I guess there’s been 3 debates already and I haven’t really come up with a reason why you should vote for me during all of my bloviating and hollow displays of sincerity. John Kerry’s a liberal.
Kerry: Look, I am the undead zombie this country needs. I’m so different than President Bush. Look at how his tie is red and mine is red with invisible stripes. Vote or Die bitches.