Totally IN... on Wall Street!
Wall St. is all over the headlines as a possible Al Qaeda target. Before some dickwad tries to detonate it, I’d like to introduce you to the Wall St. you may not know. I spend several hours each weekday at the corner of Wall St. and Water St. passing out personal resumes to CEOs and business executives heading to their offices. I usually stick an AM New York or Metro newsie with a shiv to score a stack of free papers. I then insert my resume/headshot along with some expired Burger King coupons (for impact) into the World News section. I do this from 7am until I run out of resumes or until the guy I shanghai-ed comes to.
Anyways, I see a lot of trends there. What’s hip on Wall St. might not be cool in any other part of town. Here’s what’s all the rage in the world’s greatest financial strip:
-Nebulous pleated chinos.
-Shapeless secretarial moo-moos
-Saying to coworkers, “Hey, where you goin’ for lunch?” and “Hey, where’d you go for lunch?” with sheer contempt and unfeeling insincerity.
-Creating your own fresh tossed salad item by item. God forbid you pick a stupid pre-made salad off a shelf.
-Fried chicken trucks.
-Handfeeding pigeons crushed Alka Seltzer.
-Contemplating exactly where you want to place that stop order on Home Depot.
-Tripping people who you deem to be walking too fast.
-Power pocket pool.
-An inverse relationship between the number of identity badges and the loss of self-identity.
-Larry & Curly, the security guards at your building who are always watching, always thinking, always calculating.
-Shattered dreams regarding Midtown and the sadness that comes with not working there.
-Walking around like you’re all important.
-Screaming “Buy!” and “Sell!”
-Polar bear swims in the East River before work.
-Nerdy Indian guys moving in packs.
-Hanging out near the Hanover Square sculpture of Abraham De Peyster--the bronze of the Tory on a toilet.
-Seeing the same people outside their office buildings smoking all the time. Do they ever not smoke?
-Flaunting your Blackberry--a device meant to connect you to the world. Ironically, you are somehow totally disconnected from reality.
-Developing and maintaining an overall persona of lameness.
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