An Evening at Red Lobster - Part 1
- "C'mon Debbie, let me feed you. It'll be hot. Just like on Blind Date." I picked up a severed crab leg, dipped it in butter, and waved it at her.
"Well, here comes the airplane!" I sensuously motioned the gnarled crab leg towards her mouth. I realized this was going to be somewhat difficult seeing as how her mouth isn't viewable--it's wrapped behind a burqa. So I aimed for the slit where her eyes shine through.
"You're gonna poke me in the eye with that thing!"
"Not the first time I heard that phrase, babe. Say ah!"
As I began to claw through her eye hole around her cheek she batted my hand with such brute force that the crab leg went up into the air did two and a half rotations and came down sticking the landing in her lap.
"Look at your misfortune!" I pointed and laughed. "Good thing you wear a cloth napkin as evening wear or else your outfit would have been ruined!" I laughed again at my own joke.
"How much longer do I have to sit here?" questioned Debbie. She placed the piece of crustacean on the table and I could feel the intensity of her scowl without even seeing her face.
"Oh, until I finish all 50 pieces of peel and eat shrimp, the two lobster tails, and the bucket of french fries. Basically, time enough to totally forget about Al Jazeera and you working there. Waiter!! *snap snap* More cocktail sauce! Did you neglect to remember my cocktail sauce?!"
Debbie sighed. "I can't believe I'm going along with this. You do realize Al Jazeera is a legitimate news organization, much like CNN? You also realize I don't work there, right?"
"You can't trick me Debbie. I can see right through lies and deception--even though I'm somewhat really farsighted. I have a question for you, how am I supposed to eat this shrimp without cocktail sauce?"
"You've got much bigger problems than that. Listen, I need to tell you something important--that's the main reason I agreed to this obnoxious trip to the Red Lobster in Times Square with you."
"I really can't focus on a single word that's coming out of the area where your mouth is supposed to be. I must have my condiments. Flag those hostesses down."
"Those aren't hostesses, you're pointing at a family of Asian tourists."
"Well what about those Mexican cooks over there at that other table! Why is everyone not helping me? Isn't their one priority in life to service my needs?"
"I'm embarrassing? Look at you! You look like the guy from Ninja Gaiden! Ha!"
"I'm gonna go to the ladies' room." Debbie stood up abruptly. The people at the neighboring tables ducked and shrieked. "I'm not a fucking terrorist you asses. I wear a burqa. It doesn't mean I'm going to kill all of you. Nate--when I get back, I've got something to tell you."