Debbie remains out of town - Part 2
- “AHHH!!!!” I screamed as Debbie’s idiot cat Oasis sniffed and circled my iBook.
- The cat sprayed all over my laptop.
- I tossed the can of Fancy Feast I was holding to the floor and reached for a handgun on the endtable.
- Oasis lept from the computer to the windowsill, knocking the notebook off my bed.
- I fired two rounds hoping for headshots but narrowly missing.
- My iBook plunked into the cat’s nearby automatic litterbox. The robotic litter comb immediately began pushing litter into the keyboard and the ports.
- Then the kitty bidet I modded into the litterbox insultingly shot pulses of water at the computer.
- I threw the gun down and burst into tears.
- The cat calmly licked himself.
What the fuck just happened here? You stupid stupid cat. I cannot believe what just happened. This is my life! My very expensive computer is destroyed.
I gently pulled my iBook from the litterbox. I tried to brush some of the refuse off. It was just sticking there. The hard drive was puttering, gasping. whrr..ga dunk ga dunk...whirrr...zzzzzip. I held it close to me so I could feel its final struggle for life. Please don’t go. The motion sensor on the litter bidet continued to shoot water at the crotch of my pants. I didn’t care though. I clutched the Ibook tight against my face weeping uncontrollably. Not like this. First the screen blacked out. I sobbed. Then the hard drive went dead too as the computer slipped into Eternal Sleep mode. My emotions overtook me for a few minutes until I snapped out of it.
I have the Apple Care Protection Plan! I’ll have a new one by next Monday.
But just then, another serious thought popped into my head. How am I supposed to apply for jobs online without a computer? Employers need to know that I’m still on the job market. Where can I go to use one? I’m not homeless--scratch the public library. I’m not a gaywad--internet cafes are out.
Most importantly, how am I going to keep up this blog? I need to finish blogging this week somehow. I got 9 original hits yesterday and I’ll be damned if I let those nameless, faceless total strangers down.
Even though Debbie has explicitly made it clear in the past that I do not use her computer under any circumstances whatsoever, I think she’d understand after explaining to her that her cat is an asshole. I absolutely must use her computer given these circumstances. I don’t care what kind of porn she’s hiding on there. Well, actually, I do want to know. And I’ll find out in just a few minutes once I check her internet history!!
I booted up Debbie’s desktop.
Tomorrow: DO NOT MISS IT.
“Don’t,” he began to lift his leg, “you,” he lifted it higher, “dare pee,” the kitty looked non-chalantly right at me, “on my G4!!”
During the course of the next three seconds, the following occurred in this order: