Average US Credit score is 678. Mine is 12??
- There must be some mistake! I saw an advertisement on Yahoo stating the average US credit score is 678. I scoffed. I’m certain my credit score blows that out of the water. The remainder of my day was totally normal. I thought about how smart I am, how good looking I am, and I even worked on my just for fun thesis—“Atlantis Rose: Echoes of T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland in Hart Crane's The Bridge.” I went to bed that night without a care in the world.
And then I woke up in a slight bit of an overwhelming drenching cold sweat. What if my credit score is only average?? I am the winneroftheSAT. Nothing I do is merely average. I am the 99th percentile.
I placed a phone call to Experion, one of the three major credit reporting bureaus at 4 in the morning.
“Good day sir or madam. Excuse me, but could you perchance tell me what my credit score might be?”
“And you are?” A smokey throated female voice sighed back over the phone. I could sense immediately by her deflated tone that she had a permanent and was wearing a sweater with golden retrievers on it.
“Gee, where do I begin? Well, You see, my name is Nate S. I was born on a faraway plain back in the 80s. I was switched at birth and raised by a dual set of post-op transparents. I don’t know who my real parents are, but I do know they bestowed on me the genes to eventually become the first human to win the SAT. Maybe you’ve heard of me. I was in the USA Today a few years ago. Surely, you read the USA Today!”
“Your credit score is 12.”
“You are quite the trickster!” I guffawed. “No seriously, what is it? Allow me to find a pen so I might write it down.”
“Um…there’s a time for jokes and then there’s a time for total unflinching seriousness.”
“Well, I don’t like your attitude ma’am. Maybe your competitor, Equifax, will help me better than you have helped me. In fact, I am going to tell all my friends to never ever use Experion for their credit reporting needs and only go to Equifax. How does that strike you?”
I hung up and called Equifax. A similar conversation took place with an even gruffer sounding woman with a possibly more embarrassing embossed sweater. When she revealed to me my credit score of 12, I threatened this lady with vows of allegiance to Transunion as my sole credit bureau. She wasn’t moved either.
How could my credit score possibly be 12? It’s true I don’t pay my bills on time or ever, I’ve never owned an unsecured credit card, and I’m offered special 40.9 % APRs if I act soon. Yes, I’ve been linked to insurance fraud, pyramid schemes, and spam campaigns. I’ve also been in and out of juvie, been fingered as the main man behind an omnipacific DVD pirating ring, and was spotted selling M&Ms on the subway for my high school basketball team at the age of 22. Could these secret credit reporting companies find out about all this? Impossible. Is someone leaking information to them?
How am I supposed to get a mortgage or a car loan with a 12 when the US average credit score is 678. I simply must have a mortgage and a car loan by the time I'm 30 or I'll just die. I'm so depressed. There must be something I can do to raise it. But what??