Winning Cover Letter
- Attention: Human Resources or Potential Employer,
Hello and good day. My name is Nate S. and I would be perfect for your company or for-profit organization. As you can see, I am extremely good at writing cover letters. Imagine, if you will, having an honest, loving,and gentle-yet-firm employee on your staff. I can be that staff member. I have numerous skills and resources—almost too many to list in this cover letter. It would be in our best interests if you perused this letter, the attached resume, and the enclosed 8x10 glossy headshot. Note the quality of the paper that this is on. It’s 20 lb.-84 Brightness recycled copier paper I borrowed from my previous industry leading employer. Please ignore any coffee stains.
According to a book I found on the street titled “Writing the Perfect Cover Letter and Landing the Job of Your Dreams, ©1972,” the second paragraph of a letter of intent should describe how I would benefit the company I am applying for. Let me tell you a little secret up front, for twenty-eight grand a year I will do anything you ask me to. Anything. Think about that for a moment.
Let’s put formalities aside and skip right to the interview. I’ll pretend I’m you. I’ll pretend I’m me too.
Potential Employer: It’s been an absolute pleasure to have you here in this interviewing room. You’re so cordial and well groomed. When I think of astute leadership or someone with radical insight into what our target demographic demands, images of you immediately spring to mind. It was déjà vu when you walked in here. You’re like totally well-rounded, except good at only cool stuff and bad at the skills that mean nothing to us. Please tell me why you want to be a part of our team?
Nate: Well, I must say that I was quite intrigued with the way you replace all the S’s in your ad with dollar signs--$. I have always had a passion for whatever it is you do. I looked you up on Google hours before I agreed to come into this interview and I can honestly say that your company is Awesome with a capital A. In fact, I only apply to companies on the Fortune 500. I would never settle for anything less than those 500 companies to work for.
Potential Employer: So Nate, if you could possibly think of three personal weaknesses, what might they be?
Nate: Wow. That’s a tough question. It’s loaded like Phil Goldberg driving home from a Rite Aid drug run on a Saturday night. A question I find usually quite difficult to answer. I’d like to start out our relationship based on a foundation of truth, but It’s so hard to pick the correct three weaknesses that you’re not looking for. Had you rephrased the question, “Tell me 3 personal failures,” I could rapidly fire off a list of charming things I won’t succeed at or have failed at completely. Three weaknesses…hmm. I’m late to everything. I hate people. I couldn’t pass a drug test with a Brita filter and a cheesecloth. Umm…and I try to steal anything that’s not bolted to the floor. That was four? Oh. Scratch that last one.
Potential Employer: In light of our entire conversation, I have only one thing to say to you. You’re HIRED!
Nate: Thank you sir. You’ve made an excellent decision. Let’s discuss those vacation days. I’m going to need the next three months off. Oh, btw, are there signing bonuses at Foot Locker? Also, I think I hurt my wrist filling out the application. A little worker’s comp can take care of it.
The previous was just a sample of the kind of class and honor I can bring to your corporation. Make that WILL bring. If any of it sounds unpleasing, I’m only kidding. All kidding aside though, clearly, the words I wrote were an elaborate cryptographic code. Think about what the code means and take this moment to stare longingly into the eyes of me in my youthful headshot from 8 years ago.
Please, don’t hesitate to contact me. Daytime is fine—after 2:00 PM, when I wake up. Evening is okay too. With each day you hesitate, I could be swooped up by some other company I’d rather not work for. You are the company I want to work for most. Additionally, due to an impending personal financial crises, I may be relocating out of the NYC metro area. Contact me via electronic mail at email@example.com or via cellular telephone at 212-657-7951.
It’s been wonderful having this opportunity to write to you. Please keep me informed of any job offers coming down the poop chute at your place of employment. Thanks! :)
Very Truly Yours,