WinneroftheSAT Pretends to be at the Democratic National Convention - Finale
- Man, lemme tell you about my hangover. Last night was a banger. Carolyn Moseley Braun, Al Gore, and I were playing this drinking game in his hotel room at the Comfort Inn. Every time Al said something totally hilarious with his newfound sense of humor we would all have to do a shot. “Job development is critical to the economy.” HAhaha. That’s funny Al! “The environment is something we need to protect.” Oh, what a hoot! Keep those shots comin’, Carolyn. We were hammered.
So, I’m still at the Democratic National Convention. Or rather, I’m still on the crusty hardwood floor of my apartment with my eyes closed pretending I’m at the convention.
Did anyone see that Barack Obama guy? I’ve been following him for a long time since this past Monday. During an unending procession of boring speeches by faceless, nameless white people, I went out to the concession stand to get a soft pretzel and a soda. I come back and here’s this pleasant black man at the podium talking about whatever it is people talk about at conventions. While dipping my pretzel into stadium mustard, I could hear pundits all around me feverishly whispering, “He’s the next Al Sharpton--but without the enormous stomach and funny hair! He’s the next Jesse Jackson--but without the Rainbow Coalition as his backup band!” He certainly got my attention midway through my soda. Hell, I didn’t even care what Obama was saying. All I heard was “my father was a goat farmer from Kenya” and I knew right then that this was a guy I could really identify with.
Over the course of the past two days, I particularly had a reasonable time in all of the various workshops and seminars cosponsored by the Learning Annex. “Introduction to Microsoft Word” by ex-computer salesman Fred Lundy, was empowering. “Culture Tips,” hosted by Jai Rodriguez of Queer Eye, was informative. “Protesting Things for Fun & Profit,” by the guy on stilts in the giant snapping turtle costume from the Seattle WTO riots, was riveting.
And now...it’s time for the WinneroftheSAT DNC Winnys! Every time I pretend to go to a national convention, I also simulate the acceptance of golden statuettes on behalf of all the fake category winners. The award for Funnest Delegates goes to...West Virginia! They’re fun because they’re slack jawed and toothless and they keep brawling with neighboring state delegates over their cheating girlfriends and Firebirds. Best Name Zinger for a Guest Speaker...Theresa “Heinz-Ketchup!” Heinz Ketchup, get it? Biggest Media Whore Skank...Ann Coulter! No shocker there. And finally, 2004’s Winny for Easiest Delegates to Get to Give you a Handy out Behind the CNN Satellite Van goes to...you guessed it, New Jersey! Nice effort to all runners up.
This convention has been exactly how I imagined it would be. Everyone here behaved themselves just as they would on TV. John Edwards was youthful and exuberant. John Kerry appeared undead and seemed animated only by means of a series of elaborate science experiments. It’s a shame that neither of them has officially appeared yet and that the DNC is almost over and that I have to use my mental enterprise to travel back to NY so soon. I’m going to miss hanging out in the wonderful town of Boston with Matt Damon, CT from the Real World Paris, an archdiocese full of child molesting priests, and others. It's been real.