How to Cheat at Candyland
A few weeks ago, while out with some fellow lovers of the runny brown liquid, I happened upon a curious watering hole that had board games lazily littering the sides of its foyer. With much enthusiasm, a few of my very close fellow technorati friends scurried up to the pile of games and whinnied like horsefaced girls upon seeing Candyland in the disarray. Ever since the combine incident on the eve of the 97 Keystone homecoming football game, most of my childhood memories have been erased. Hence, I looked at this new strange foreign game with wide-eyed fascination.
Even before I could read the rules on the underside of the beer battered Candyland box, I was immediately consumed with only one burning question, “How can I cheat at this??”
Instructions & Introduction:
"Once upon a time, King Kandy, the Imperial Head Bonbon and Grand Jujube of Candy Land disappeared...”
Jesus, i don’t have time for the stinking life story of King Kandy. Imperial Bonbon? WTF? Seriously. Like I care about talking candy. I thought reading wasn’t a part of this game? Now I’m supposed to read 3 paragraphs about some fucktard named Grand Jujube?
“Move your Gingerbread playing piece to gameboard spaces that match colors and pictures of drawn cards. Be the first player to move your Gingerbread Man to the Candy Castle at the end of the path and you'll win the game! The youngest player goes first. Play proceeds to the left. Ages 3-6.”
That’s better. So, I scanned the room for colorblind infants. Unfortunately, I was in a bar for adults on the lower east side and not in a nursery for Accutane babies. Cheating at this game may be more difficult than I first imagined.
I ordered another round for the table.
Then I collected everyone’s money. I need to get these people real good and drunk. As I began to unscrew the gemstone from my fake class ring so i could release 200 miligrams of rohypnal into the pitcher of Natty Light--enough to date rape a herd of elephants--I was startled by the caress of a nearby human. “Nate, pick a gamepiece.” Since all the naturally occuring gingerbread tokens were taken already, I had to choose a coin. I decided to go with a penny because my favorite basketball player is Penny Hardaway.
Candyland is a wonderful game for people of small intellects or those who find the task of counting to be difficult. If you can’t read what I’m writing then Candyland is up your alley. But this isn’t a review. This is a step by step guide on how to cheat and ruthlessly dismantle all of your opponents. I learned some tactics very early on to increase my likeliness of winning.
First of all, always carry a Sharpie. It will come in handy later when I get to the section on tagging cards two sentences away. There are several lame cards in the pile that instead of transporting you to a color, transport you to a ridiculous puerile locale like Snowflake Queen Frostine. You must mark these cards with a graffitti tag--something that reprazents you, like SPLIFFZ or HIGHLIFE. Snowflake Queen Frostine happens to be one B you need to get to know very well. If you draw her at the start of the game, it allows you to skip nearly to the end. Begin by shuffling the cards. Try to lure kind comments by saying something like, “Oh..I’ll shuffle. Don’t worry ‘bout it guys.” People will look favorably on this gesture. Since the youngest player goes first, lie to everyone about your birthday. It helps if you’re playing with total strangers. Next, stack the tagged Queen Frostine card at the top of the deck. IMPORTANT: Do not offer a cut. Once you draw that card, you’re living on easy street. No adult or child will be able to stop you from winning.
If you somehow get derailed from this plan, there are other ways to win. If you are playing with children, insulting them into movement oppression is a good strategy. “Only foster children use the Rainbow Trail, Lashawna.” As a rule of thumb, the older your opponent, the more racially charged the epithet should be.
Always use extreme caution around Gooey Gumdrops. If you land on a space which forces you to lose a turn, begin screaming. Cause a scene. No one wants to be near someone causing a scene. Especially a 24 year old man in a bar playing Candyland. When your opponents get up to walk away say, “Do you concede?” Keep repeating it until they respond. If they tell you to fuck yourself, then he or she or they have conceded and you are free to jollytrot your way to candy castle.
There are ways to get your opponents on technicalities. Since play goes to the left, find or create a position in which you no longer have a left. Try laying on the floor on your side on your left arm or try tellling everyone who wants to play to form a single file line behind you. Remember: They can’t win if they can’t play.
That harkens back to my original plan. Unloading a powder slick of roofies in a friendly communal pitcher of beer will surely disable all drinking opponents. It’s unclear if i won that day in Candyland because i poured myself a glass of beer from that stein and sipped it just to show that everything was cool and i wasn’t some kind of narc sitting at the table not drinking beer. Well, I’m sure each of us knows how that turned out.